Scene: City streets. The gang walks down the sidewalk. Strong Bad is examining a map and shaking his head.

STRONG BAD: No freakin’ way, man. I just say we assume that he died and forget about him.

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: It’s gotta be a joke, or a misprint or something.

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD (coming to a halt): For the last time, no! There is no way that the King of Town would ever end up in this place!

He gestures to the building behind them. The building is called The Clinic for the Undernourished Elderly.

STRONG BAD: I mean, that’s like me being in the Clinic for the Chronically Un-awesome, or Homestar being in the Home for the Totally Smart Cool Dudes.

HOMESTAR: Wow. That would be fun.

STRONG BAD: Believe me, man. This is the absolute last place we’d ever find the King!

COACH Z: Well, Strong Bad, I admit that it seems a bit outta line, but since it’s the only address we have, I think we should at least check it out.

STRONG BAD: I guess so, but believe me, we won’t find him here.

They enter the building. Soothing music plays in the lobby. Bubs examines the complimentary offerings in a basket on the table.

BUBS: Mm-hm. Buttered apples, eh? They know how to treat folks around here!

Strong Mad grabs a handful of buttered apples and crunches them all down at once.

STRONG MAD: NEEDS MORE BUTTAH.

The rest of the group walks up to the front desk. A rather wide nurse bustles up to them.

NURSE: Hi, welcome to the Clinic for the Undernourished Elderly, where your loved ones can spend their remaining years in comfortable corpulence! How may I help you?

STRONG BAD (realizing the King’s motives): Well, I think you’ve cleared something up for me, that’s for sure. Uh, we need to see the King of Town.

NURSE: Very well. What relation?

STRONG BAD: Uh, what?

NURSE: Only relatives are allowed to visit our patients. What is your relation to the King of Town?

STRONG BAD: Oh, crap. Uh…

HOMESTAR: We’re his gwandchildwen!

STRONG BAD: Right! We’re his… what?

NURSE: You are?

HOMESTAR: Wight!

NURSE: All of you?

HOMESTAR: Uh, yeah. We’re a stwange family.

COACH Z: Strange as rain, that’s us.

NURSE: I’m finding it hard to believe that all of you are related to the King of Town.

STRONG BAD: You know what, lady? You’re right. You’ve found us out. We’re not all related to the King of Town.

NURSE: Really?

STRONG BAD (pointing to Strong Sad): You got it. Cousin Vincenzo, you’ve got to wait outside.

STRONG SAD: I’m not Cousin Vincenzo!

Strong Mad picks up Strong Sad and throws him out the window. We hear the bushes outside crunch.

STRONG SAD’S VOICE: Uh, all right. I’ll wait here, I guess.

NURSE: Ah, that’s better. I thought he looked out of place. Follow me, please.

The nurse leads them down the hallway. Sounds of chewing can be heard from all of the doors.

HOMESTAR: Wow. What’s that sound?

NURSE: Oh, they’re eating lunch.

STRONG BAD: Lunch? It’s three in the afternoon!

NURSE: Well, lunch started at noon. They should be finished soon.

BUBS: Oh, boy! Do you guys need a culinary supervisor? I’ve always wanted to be a part of…

POM POM: (bubbles)

BUBS: No, I didn’t mean now. I meant after we rob… that is, after we pull off… er…

POM POM: (bubbles)

BUBS: I’m shuttin’ up.

They reach the King’s door.

NURSE: Here you are. Don’t disturb him, as he’s very sensitive.

STRONG BAD (sotto voice): The man eats his pet sheep, and she calls him sensitive.

NURSE: What’s that?

STRONG BAD: Oh, nothing. Have a… uh… medical day.

The nurse exits. Strong Bad opens a door and the gang peers in. The room is full of tables of food, some eaten and some yet to eaten. The King is sitting on his bed, crownless, devouring a bowl full of pickles dipped in mayonnaise.

THE CHEAT: Bleah!

STRONG MAD: AAAGH!

BUBS: I ain’t seen anything like that since my grandmama passed on, rest her soul.

STRONG BAD: Oh, man. I’m gonna be physically ill. And maybe spiritually ill as well, if that’s possible.

HOMESTAR: Don’t be sick, Stwong Bad. Where are we going to find a hospital?

Strong Bad smacks Homestar across the head.

KING OF TOWN (not looking up): Is that you, nurse? Could I have a refill on the Alfredo sauce?

STRONG BAD: No, it’s not the nurse.

KING OF TOWN: Well, who is it, then?

COACH Z: Take a wild guess, Kingy!

KING OF TOWN: Wait a minute… my old subjects! How ever did you find me?

STRONG BAD: Oh, we just followed the trail of destroyed buffets. It didn’t take us very long.

KING OF TOWN: I don’t believe it! You’re all here! Well, except the chubby one with the hippo legs, that is. What brings you all here?

HOMESTAR: Mr. of Town, may we wequest your sewvice in a most impewious endeavour?

KING OF TOWN: Eh? What does that mean?

HOMESTAR: Not a clue. Pom Pom?

POM POM: (bubbles)

KING OF TOWN: Ah, quite so. You’re going to get back at that scoundrel Homeschool Winner, eh? Deserves it, I say. What part do you wish me to play?

BUBS: We want you in on it, Kingy-baby! You gotta pull your weight or you don’t get squat!

KING OF TOWN: Wait… that wouldn’t entail, er, leaving this place, would it?

STRONG BAD: Yeah, it would. Now get your royal butt outta bed before we change our minds!

KING OF TOWN: But… well, I don’t need to leave here for the rest of my life. It wasn’t easy getting in here, and now I’m set! Why would I ever leave here?

HOMESTAR: Um, okay. Normally I’m supposed to say something inspiwational here to get you on our side, but I can’t think of a thing.

KING OF TOWN: But then again, this is the first time you all have actually admitted that you need me, rather than just treating me as a fat old man with funny clothes…

HOMESTAR: Hey, that’s good. Woll with it.

KING OF TOWN: Well, my boys, I’ve made my decision.

The King reaches into his bedside table and pulls out his crown. He plants it on his head firmly.

KING OF TOWN: The King of Town is in the house once again!

COACH Z: That’s the stuff, Kingy!

KING OF TOWN: That Homeschool Winner will not get away with…

He falls off the bed and lays motionless on the ground.

KING OF TOWN: Um, a little help here, boys?

Bubs and Coach Z help him to his feet and support him.

KING OF TOWN: Ah, that’s better. I haven’t used my legs in five years.

STRONG BAD: I could dwell on the question of how you managed bathing, but this whole situation is nauseating me, so let’s just get outta here.

Everybody exits, the King being walked by Coach Z and Bubs. They walk down the hallway.

STRONG BAD: Look, Your Highness… uh, exactly what the crap are we supposed to call you now that you aren’t the King anymore?

KING OF TOWN: You can call me by my birth name!

STRONG BAD: And what might that be?

KING OF TOWN: The King of Town! Doo hoo hoo!

STRONG BAD: I shoulda known. Stupid royalty.

KING OF TOWN: Hello there, young Homestar. Still keeping yourself at top condition, I assume?

HOMESTAR: Well, I twy.

KING OF TOWN: That’s good. Marzipan only deserves the best, you know. In fact, I…

STRONG BAD: Uh, look, Your-Highness-Formerly-Known-as-the-King-of-Town, I hate to rain on your parade and stuff, but Marzipan ain’t with Homestar anymore.

KING OF TOWN: What?

HOMESTAR: Yeah. She left me for Homeschool Winner.

KING OF TOWN: Outrage! I swear, if that knave has so much as touched her, I’ll have his vitals in my breakfast gruel!

STRONG BAD: So, uh, is Marzipan really your daughter, or what?

KING OF TOWN: I honestly can’t remember.

STRONG BAD: Once again, may I say, stupid royalty.

They reach the front desk.

NURSE: Checking out, Mr. King?

KING OF TOWN: Absolutely! I must go and take arms against an old enemy! I must lead my loyal subjects into battle! I must…

Coach Z and Bubs "accidentally" let go. He falls.

KING OF TOWN: I must invest in a rickshaw.

Strong Mad picks up the inert King and casually tucks him under his arm.

KING OF TOWN: Many thanks, brave Strong Mad! When all this is over, you will dine at my right side!

THE CHEAT: Wuddadoofis.

NURSE: Well, I hope you come back soon. Keep your weight up, Mr. King!

KING OF TOWN: Indubitably! Goodbye, but not farewell! Keep the oven light burning until I return!

STRONG BAD: Come on, guys. Let’s find some food for his Royal That’s-Only-My-Birth-Name-ness. He’s a lot less nauseating when his mouth is full.

They exit the building, the King still tucked under Strong Mad’s arm.

KING OF TOWN: So that’s what the sun looks like. I’d forgotten.

HOMESTAR: Yeah, me too. Cool! It’s shiny!

KING OF TOWN: You boys don’t know how much this means to me. You bothered to hunt me down because you need my sterling leadership skills and tactical genius?

STRONG BAD: No, we tracked you down because Homeschool built his mansion on top of your stupid castle!

KING OF TOWN: Oh.

HOMESTAR: That’s wight. We need your help finding all of the… SECWET PASSAGES. You know, like they have in that board game with Tim Cuwwy.

KING OF TOWN: Yes, yes, I see. Well, there are many secret ways through the castle, most of them leading to the kitchen.

STRONG BAD: I shoulda known.

KING OF TOWN: And there are some really secret dungeons, but they’re connected to the sewer system. The Poopsmith knows them better than anybody.

POM POM: (bubbles)

COACH Z: You’re right again, Pom Pom. We need ta find the shovel guy.

KING OF TOWN: It won’t be easy, though.

STRONG BAD: What part of this has been easy, anyway? I’ve been hugged, beaten up, and grossed out to within at least an inch of my life! Nobody knows the trials I’ve been through, man.

KING OF TOWN: Very well. Let us go for lunch as we determine our strategy, and perhaps also invest in some underarm deodorant for Sir Strong Mad.

HOMESTAR: Onward, bwaves! One for all and evewything else for some other guy!

They start to exit.

STRONG BAD: Come on, Cousin Vincenzo. We’re going.

STRONG SAD (pulling himself from the bushes): Uh, you know when you said that you were having problems? Well, uh, those bushes were pretty prickly. I think I cut myself a few… dozen times. Uh, but only if anybody cares?

Everybody has walked away.

STRONG SAD: Didn’t think so. Oh, well.

He sadly walks after the rest of the group.