Scene: Convulsing Willows School For Gifted Children: Exterior

Coach X, a dominating, militaristic man, overlooks the athletic field. Dozens of hysterical brats are screaming and wrestling in the middle of the field. Pom Pom and Strong Bad watch inconspicuously from the sidelines.

STRONG BAD: I still say he’s dead, man. I mean, he’s not in the phone book, he has no mailing address… I mean, come on, how long do you think he could live without you or me looking after him, anyway? I mean, I wouldn’t trust Marzipan to take care of him. She’s almost as stupid as he is.

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Huh? What do you mean?

Before Pom Pom can answer, Coach X blows his whistle.

COACH X: All right, soldiers! To your next class!

The children do not walk away, so much as make their brawl mobile. Eventually, the kids are gone.

STRONG BAD: Hey, look!

Homestar Runner walks up to Coach X, trying his best to carry 20 basketballs on his back. A child is gnawing on his leg. Homestar smiles, but he looks sad.

HOMESTAR: Uh, Coach? I cleaned up all the equipment. You should tell them to stop thwowing so close to the highway. I got hit by a Honda Civic again, and those weally hurt.

COACH X: Fine, Runner. Fine. Try to be a little swifter next time, you hear?

HOMESTAR: Yes, sir.

COACH X: Oh, and Runner…

HOMESTAR: Yes, Coach?

COACH X: Stop tensing when the children kick you. Your shins are hurting their feet.

HOMESTAR (sadly): Yes, sir.

Coach X goes into the school. Homestar carries his burden into the equipment shed.

STRONG BAD: I can’t believe it! Did you see that Coach? He was treating Homestar like total crap! That jerk…

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Of course I’m mad! Just because I was in prison for a few years doesn’t mean that some loser can take my job! I’m gonna give that Coach a piece of my mind…

Homestar walks out of the equipment shed and sits on a bench to rest. He sighs and absently kicks an empty can. His line of sight follows the can until it rests against Pom Pom’s feet.

HOMESTAR: Do I know you? You look familiar. Unless you’re after me for dating your sister, in which case I’ve never seen you before in my life.

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: No way! I mean… Pom Pom? Is that weally you?

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Pom Pom!

Homestar jumps up and embraces his friend as well as somebody without arms can.

HOMESTAR: Oh, man, Pom Pom! I thought I’d never see you again! I thought you’d think I was some loser because I don’t have a website anymore! Oh, Pom Pom, I weally missed you.

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Well, I see that you haven’t changed at all, Homestar. You’re even wearing the same outfit, for the love of crap. I mean, well, so am I, but that’s a completely different…

HOMESTAR: Stwong Bad?

STRONG BAD: That’s the name, pal. Learn it, for the title of true awesomeness…

Strong Bad is hugged by Homestar.

HOMESTAR: Aw, you guys are the gweatest! You came all the way over here just to see me?

STRONG BAD: Ah, geez. Not so tight, Homestar. People are gonna think we’re related or something.

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Oh, nothing much. I’ve been working here for a while. It’s the only thing I’m weally good at. What bwings you guys awound here?

STRONG BAD: We’re gonna get even with that clown Homeschool Winner.

HOMESTAR: Weally? Why?

STRONG BAD: He’s the only one of us who’s made money off of the website after it went down the drain. In fact, I think he was stealing from us! Pom Pom and I think that the reason the website went broke in the first place was because he was embezzling it!

HOMESTAR: Wow. Embezzling is illegal in this countwy, I think.

STRONG BAD: You called it, man. We’re getting the old gang back together and gonna teach him a lesson. He’s gonna rue the day he messed with us! No, not "rue". Uh, "fie"? No, "lo"? Well, it’s some weird word.

COACH X (entering): Runner! What are these hooligans doing on school property?

HOMESTAR: Oh, uh, these are my fwiends, Coach.

COACH X: Friends? Don’t make me laugh! Why would this suburban trash be friends with a pantywaist like you?

STRONG BAD: Just a minute, man. I don’t like that lip of yours. It’s one thing for Homestar to have to take your crap, because I don’t think he even really understands when you insult him.

HOMESTAR: It’s twue.

STRONG BAD: But when you mess with me, you’ve crossed the freakin’ line!

COACH X: If you so much as lay a hand on me, I’ll have you thrown in jail!

POM POM (trying to restrain Strong Bad): (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: I know, I know! But I’m not gonna let this guy get away with bad mouthing Strong Bad!

HOMESTAR: Uh, I have an idea.

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Hey kids! It’s Pile-on-the-Coach time!

COACH X: What? No!

A mountain of kids piles on top of Coach X, burying and kicking him.

HOMESTAR: That’ll hurt him. I mean it always hurts when we play Pile-on-the-Equipment-Boy.

STRONG BAD: And I’ll bet he can’t sue you, because this counts as extracurricular activity!

COACH X’s VOICE: Homestar Runner! You’re fired!

HOMESTAR: Sure. I don’t like this job anyway. C’mon, guys. Let’s get out of here.

Location: Homestar’s apartment

Homestar is sitting on a sofa. Pom Pom and Strong Bad are sitting in chairs.

HOMESTAR: So, Homeschool Winner is wich fwom the money he stole fwom us?

STRONG BAD: Incredibly rich, man. Pom Pom says he has his own mansion and everything. The plan isn’t complete yet, but the mansion will be our main target.

HOMESTAR: We’re going to Homeschool’s mansion? Then maybe I could say hi to Marzipan.

STRONG BAD: What do you mean? Don’t tell me she’s his maid or something?

HOMESTAR: Stwong Bad, didn’t you hear that she and Homeschool have been dating for quite a while?

STRONG BAD: What?!

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD (starting to get worked up): Well, excuse me! When you’re in freaking prison for five freaking years, you lose track of all of this juicy gossip, okay?

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Sorry. I needed to do that. What happened, anyway? I thought you two were like, rock solid.

HOMESTAR: Oh, that didn’t work out. Marzipan said I wasn’t taking our welationship sewiously enough.

STRONG BAD: I don’t believe that. Marzipan and that creep? What does she see in him?

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Can’t argue there. The flash of legal tender is enough to blind the eyes of the ladies to the facets of awesomeness in a diamond in the rough.

HOMESTAR: Wow, that’s pwetty.

STRONG BAD: Coach Z isn’t the only guy who can bust a rhyme around here!

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Well, it didn’t rhyme perfectly, but…

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: You’re right, man. We do need Coach Z. He knew Homeschool better than any of us. Heck, he knew everybody better than any of us! We need his help, so we can have the psychological edge.

HOMESTAR: Gweat! But where are we gonna find him?

POM POM: (bubbles…)