Scene: Homeschool Manor, morning. A group of reporters and photographers is standing at Homeschool’s front door. Flash bulbs burst, pencils scribble, microphones wave.

REPORTER: Mr. Winner, were you in any danger from the thief?

HOMESCHOOL: It was sheer providence that I was spared any physical violence from the intruder. Once again I credit my survival to the prompt reaction from the police department.

REPORTER: Mr. Winner, how do you respond to the fact that none of the stolen merchandise has been recovered?

HOMESCHOOL: A BMW lighter was found on the robber’s person. Presumably he was able to incinerate the evidence before he was caught.

REPORTER: Is there any evidence indicating that the thief was working with an accomplice?

HOMESCHOOL: Only Mr. Strong Bad’s glove-prints were found in the vault. Besides, considering his… questionable social skills, it is very likely that he worked alone.

REPORTER: Mr. Winner, are the rumours that Mr. Strong Bad was an acquaintance of yours many years ago true?

HOMESCHOOL: Sadly, yes. I often suspected that Strong Bad would end up like this, but… what can I say? Once a criminal, always a criminal.

REPORTERS: Mr. Winner…

HOMESCHOOL: No more questions, thank you. The trial will be held this afternoon. Have a good day.

He closes the door. The reporters hesitate for a while before leaving. Inside, Homeschool smiles in self-satisfaction.

HOMESCHOOL: This is even better than I had ever dreamed.

DIJORY DOO: Yeh heh heh heh.

Homeschool looks up and sees Dijory Doo sitting on a nearby chair.

HOMESCHOOL: Sending that lowlife away for good will finally make my life utterly complete. Nothing can bother us now…

A door slams rather loudly. Homeschool turns and sees Marzipan storming out of a room. She is carrying all of her possessions and her face is a combination of anger and hurt. She steps towards the door.

HOMESCHOOL: Exactly where do you think you’re going?

MARZIPAN (coldly): I don’t think. I know where I’m going.

HOMESCHOOL: And where might that be?

MARZIPAN: As far away from you as possible.

Dijory Doo snarls and bares his teeth. Homeschool shakes his head. Dijory Doo settles back into the chair with disgust.

HOMESCHOOL: And what brings on this sudden change of mood?

MARZIPAN (beginning to get upset): Don’t put on that act with me, Homeschool. I saw what happened last night, when you had Strong Bad carted away like some sort of criminal. And I’ve also watched you insulting Strong Bad further on TV all morning.

HOMESCHOOL: My dear girl, Strong Bad was only getting what he deserved. He is a criminal, and it is the duty of all upstanding citizens like us to keep lowlifes like him where he cannot bother us.

MARZIPAN: You’re calling him a criminal? I saw that list of what was stolen on the news, Homeschool. All of that stuff we had to give up to pay our dues after we went broke. But the collection agency never got any of it at all, right, Homeschool? You just took it for yourself, right?

HOMESCHOOL: Don’t look so surprised, Marzipan. None of those goods were in the proper hands. I made a great deal of money off of those appraisals, while the rest of those freaks would have just wasted them on marshmallows and rubbish like that.

MARZIPAN (anger breaking): They are not freaks!

HOMESCHOOL (harshly): Oh, grow up and look at the rest of the world, Marzipan! You know as well as I do that Free Country was just a place where those backward barnyard abnormalities could run around without troubling the rest of us. I was once just another freak from Free Country just like you, Marzipan. Did you think I was immune to the slurs, the prejudice, the hatred? I knew exactly how this world distributes respect, and I spent all of my energy to match it. I became wealthy. I became a success. Now nobody looks down on me anymore, and by extension nobody looks down on you. And if the rest of those malformed rustics become destitute in the wake of my success, so be it! Nobody missed them. That idiotic website was the only thing they had to contribute to the world, and even it was nothing of any true value.

MARZIPAN: Don’t talk about them like that! They were my friends… and my family. And they were not worthless.

HOMESCHOOL: Don’t be so naïve, child. The only reason any of them even gave you the time of day was because you were the only eligible female in the area. Please tell me that the thought at least occurred to you at some point.

MARZIPAN: I’ve had enough of your lies, Homeschool. You’ve been lying to me since the day we met, haven’t you?

HOMESCHOOL (icily): I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to figure it out, Marzipan. You may well be even thicker than I deduced.

Marzipan turns away from him, trying to hide her tears.

HOMESCHOOL: "Everybody loves the Homestar Runner". Remember that, Marzipan? I was so disgusted at how disarmingly charmed everybody was by that nincompoop. I was smarter than him, more mature than him, and ten times the man he ever could be. And yet he had you at his side. It sickened me to the very core. So, I was determined to prove my superiority over him. I destroyed everything he had going for him, and I must say that you were one of the sweetest rewards of my rise to success.

MARZIPAN (trying to keep from breaking down): So that’s all I was to you? Just a way to get back at Homestar?

HOMESCHOOL: What would it matter to you? I gave you a bird sanctuary and a place to play that blasted guitar and you were as pleased as punch. What should it matter to you whether or not what I felt for you was genuine?

MARZIPAN: You don’t get it, do you? What Homestar and I had, whatever you’d want to call it, it was for real.

HOMESCHOOL: Marzipan, you’re only fooling yourself. Homestar Runner is such an imbecile that he’d believe anything. All it took was a word from me to break you two apart.

MARZIPAN: …what?

HOMESCHOOL (gloating): When you were entranced with that idiotic herb fair, I simply told him that it was held on the other side of the forest and he believed me. A few words the right way, and the way was wide open for me. And then a little manipulation of the cash flow, and the website collapsed like it should have much earlier. I’ll admit you two had something in common; you both were laughably easy to manipulate.

Marzipan stares in shock and fury.

HOMESCHOOL: But really, Homestar couldn’t win a battle of wits with any…

Homeschool is suddenly hit across the face with Marzipan’s valise. The two stare at one another for the longest time.

MARZIPAN: I’m leaving. I never want to see this place or you again as long as I live.

HOMESCHOOL (suppressed anger): It’s your choice, Marzipan. Do you want to stay here, where I can provide anything you could ever want, or do you want to be back out there, mocked as some sort of hippie abnormality, playing second fiddle in relationships to a marshmallow?

MARZIPAN: You’re wrong, Homeschool. There’s something you could never give me that I can find out there.

HOMESCHOOL: A touching sentiment, Marzipan, but I stopped believing in fairy tales years ago. I suggest you do the same.

Marzipan says nothing and turns toward the door.

HOMESCHOOL: I’m warning you, Marzipan. If you walk out that door you’ll never come back in.

The door slams with finality. Homeschool fumes.

DIJORY DOO: Yeh heh heh heh.

HOMESCHOOL (dangerously): Do you find this amusing in some way, rodent?

DIJORY DOO: Uh… no?

HOMESCHOOL (kicking Dijory Doo): Do you find that funny? Do you?

DIJORY DOO: No, Master… Dijory Doo just glad wench is gone…

HOMESCHOOL: Let her go, I say. Having to live out there is far worse than anything we could do to her. The worst we could do is kill her, but out there…

DIJORY DOO: Hates her!

HOMESCHOOL: Too right. A bit of a shame to lose such an attractive prize, but such is life, I’m afraid. And now, we’ll have to prepare for the trial this afternoon. You will be along in the case that anything should go wrong. Do you understand?

DIJORY DOO (grinning savagely): Yesssss.

Scene change. We now see Marzipan, still carrying her possessions, walking through a park. The sun is bright, the birds are singing and the flowers are in bloom, but she hardly notices. She finally finds a bench and sits on it, setting her gear behind it. She sits for a while, watching people walk by, most of whom ignore her. She sees a young couple walk by holding hands, and her heart sinks. She lowers her head and sighs, her eyes closing. Gentle, moody guitar music plays in the background. After a while, the guitar music suddenly changes to discordant, clumsy chords and riffs. Her head snaps up at the sound.

VOICE (singing off-key): Turn awouuuuund… bwight eyeeees…

Marzipan turns and sees Homestar standing behind her. He has apparently taken Carol from Marzipan’s gear and started playing. He is singing and playing loudly, oblivious to how terrible he is.

MARZIPAN: Homestar?

Homestar jerks up in surprise, dropping the guitar.

HOMESTAR: What? Where? …Oh, wight. Uh, sowwy, miss. I was passing by and I saw this guitar and, uh, evewything’s kinda fuzzy after that…

MARZIPAN (faltering): Don’t you recognize me?

HOMESTAR: Well, actually, you do look a lot like my old girlfwiend, but you couldn’t be her, because she’s living in a mansion with some other guy…

MARZIPAN (smiling sadly): Oh, Homestar…

HOMESTAR: Oh, wow. Marzipan? That’s you?

MARZIPAN: Yes.

HOMESTAR: Wow. Awkward pause. Uh… nice day, huh? I mean, nothing is better than walking in the park cawwying suitcases, like you are…

MARZIPAN: Homestar, sit down.

HOMESTAR: Uh… okay, sure.

He tentatively sits next to her.

MARZIPAN: Homestar, I owe you an apology…

HOMESTAR: Weally? What do you have to be sowwy about?

MARZIPAN: I said a lot of things to you, and about you, which I shouldn’t have. I should have listened to you when you were trying to explain yourself, and I shouldn’t have walked out on you when…

HOMESTAR: Hey, don’t be like that, Marzipan. It’s all wight.

MARZIPAN: No, it’s not all right. I was so caught up in myself that I was willing to let you go, even though… even though…

HOMESTAR: Ssh. It’s all wight. Come here.

They gently lean against each other. For a moment, there is togetherness like the old days.

MARZIPAN: So you don’t resent me?

HOMESTAR: Wesent you? No way! I don’t even know what wesent means.

MARZIPAN: Do you really forgive me?

HOMESTAR: Sure I do, Marzipan. We’re still fwiends, wight?

MARZIPAN: Yes… but… it doesn’t matter. Now Strong Bad’s going to jail for life, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

HOMESTAR: Don’t wowwy, Marzipan. Maybe he’ll get let out for good behavior. Oh… wight. Never mind.

MARZIPAN: Homestar, I was watching from the lawn when Strong Bad was arrested last night.

HOMESTAR (nervously): Oh, you were? Uh… isn’t that intewesting?

MARZIPAN: And I saw the rest of you with him.

HOMESTAR: Us? Oh, come on. I mean, hundweds of people look like us. Maybe dozens, even. Now me, I was out bowling or something. I was doing something else, and… uh, yeah, that was us.

MARZIPAN: Homestar…

Homestar suddenly jumps up, his foot positioned over a twig.

HOMESTAR: Don’t tell anybody or this twee gets it!

MARZIPAN: Homestar, that’s a twig.

HOMESTAR: Well, it’s like a twee, wight? Aren’t twigs just baby twees?

MARZIPAN: I’m not going to tell anybody about what I saw.

HOMESTAR: You aren’t?

MARZIPAN: No, I’m not.

HOMESTAR (sitting back down): Well, that’s a welief.

MARZIPAN: I figured out that the only reason that prints were left behind was not because Strong Bad worked alone, but because he was the only one in the vault who has hands.

HOMESTAR: Yeah, the King and me don’t have hands, and Pom Pom just has those fin things.

MARZIPAN: And once I found out what you had taken, I knew exactly why you did it. And if I hadn’t been so proud, I would have joined you.

HOMESTAR: Weally? That would have been fun.

MARZIPAN: I don’t know how I could have been so stupid.

HOMESTAR: Don’t beat yourself up, Marzipan. I do a lotta dumb stuff, too.

MARZIPAN: It’s not the same, Homestar. I turned my back on everybody. I thought that Homeschool would make me happy, but there was always something missing. I was too proud to admit it, but I was always so empty inside.

HOMESTAR: Yeah, I know what that’s like.

MARZIPAN: I’ve missed you, Homestar.

HOMESTAR: Weally?

MARZIPAN: I have.

HOMESTAR: Cool. I’ve missed you, too. Weally.

They sit in silence for a short while.

HOMESTAR: So, uh, does this mean that you and Homeschool are histowy?

MARZIPAN: Ancient history. I never want to see him ever again.

HOMESTAR: Oh. Uh, that’s nice, in some sort of way.

MARZIPAN: So what are you doing out here?

HOMESTAR: Oh, Pom Pom sent me down to pick up some gwocewies. The King’s been pwetty upset about what happened and all, and he’s been eating evewything in the house.

MARZIPAN: Sounds like he’s still the same.

HOMESTAR: Yeah. I’d better get back before he starts twying to eat the upholstewy again. That was pwetty messy.

MARZIPAN: Well, I won’t keep you, Homestar. You’d better get going.

HOMESTAR: Aren’t you coming with me?

MARZIPAN: Oh, Homestar, I couldn’t…

HOMESTAR: Oh, come on! Where else are you gonna go?

MARZIPAN: Don’t worry about me. I’ll find somewhere.

HOMESTAR: Aw, come on, Marzipan. There’s lots of woom at Pom Pom’s place, and evewybody’s weally missed you.

MARZIPAN: I don’t want to be a bother.

HOMESTAR: You’re not a bother, Marzipan.

MARZIPAN: Really?

HOMESTAR: Nope. Well, there was that time you picketed our bawbecue with that picture of the cwying cow, but other than that, you’re good.

MARZIPAN (smiling slightly): Okay.

She gets up, picks up her possessions, and they walk away together. The bench sits alone. Suddenly Homestar comes running back.

HOMESTAR: Silly me. I forgot the gwocewies!

He scoops up the grocery bags and runs back.

Scene changes to Pom Pom’s apartment building.

HOMESTAR: Nice place Pom Pom’s got here. It’s got wall-to-wall cawpeting, hot and cold wunning plumbing, light switches, uh, genuine fake wood panels in the kitchen…

MARZIPAN (suddenly): Homestar, they’re not angry with me, are they?

HOMESTAR: What are you talking about?

MARZIPAN: Well, I turned my back on them when the website was falling apart around us, and I made a few comments about them I had no right to say. Do they think I’m a traitor?

HOMESTAR: Heck no, Marzipan. They’re still the same bunch of guys. They’ll be glad to see you. I mean, I was.

MARZIPAN: Okay, but if they want me to leave, I will.

Homestar and Marzipan open the door and step in. The gang is massed in the living room, most of them watching the TV.

HOMESTAR: I’m back, evewybody!

POM POM (still watching the TV): (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: No way, Pom Pom. I found the store all wight. I only forgot where I was going twice.

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Yeah, yeah. By the way, look who I found on the way back!

Pom Pom turns around. He stares, transfixed.

POM POM: (bubbles)

The rest turn around.

COACH Z: No kiddin’?

BUBS: Marzy!

THE CHEAT: Meena?

KING OF TOWN: Marzipan?

STRONG SAD: Oh, wow.

STRONG MAD: MARZY-PAN?

HOMSAR: I-I-I-I-I’m a pretty in pink!

Marzipan shrinks slightly at the stares.

MARZIPAN: Um, look. I know that I wasn’t around when you needed me, and I know that you probably hate me for choosing Homeschool over you. I just want to tell you all how sorry I am, and that I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me someday.

Coach Z steps forward.

MARZIPAN: Coach Z, I’m sorry… I’ll leave if you don’t want me here. I’ll understand…

COACH Z: Good ta have ya back in the fold, Marzy.

MARZIPAN: …What?

Coach Z puts a hand on her shoulder.

COACH Z: I was hopin’ you’d come back to yer family someday.

Marzipan finally allows herself to cry out of relief, leaning against Coach Z, who holds her gently.

COACH Z: Hey, no need to be turnin’ on the waterworks, there. It’s okay.

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Yeah.

Pom Pom and Homestar lean against her as well.

BUBS: Oh, I just love these things!

Bubs enthusiastically joins the group hug. The Cheat and Homsar squeeze in, lingering at foot level. The King joins the hug as well. Strong Sad watches from afar.

STRONG SAD: Oh, well. You only live once.

Strong Sad tentatively joins the group hug. Suddenly the entire group is picked up and hugged by Strong Mad. After a while, the Poopsmith steps up.

HOMESTAR: Sure. Climb aboard, Poopsmack.

The Poopsmith gently joins the hug. There are a few upturned noses, but nobody complains. Finally Strong Mad sets the group down.

STRONG SAD: Wow. So that’s what benevolent physical contact feels like. I’d nearly forgotten.

Marzipan finally steps back from Coach Z. A relieved smile is on her face.

MARZIPAN: This is where I belong.

KING OF TOWN: Indeed. Everything is nearly perfect…

HOMESCHOOL: These lowlifes are a hazard to society and a disgrace to this area!

Everybody jumps. They spin around and see that Homeschool is addressing a press conference on TV.

KING OF TOWN: With one glaring exception.

HOMESCHOOL: How many innocent citizens must be robbed and victimized? I say that if our government will continue to ignore this threat from these people, we should take it into our own hands, one freak at a time!

The massed crowd cheers.

BUBS: I don’t say stuff like this often, but I really don’t like that guy.

THE CHEAT: Meeda!

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Pom Pom’s wight. We have to help Stwong Bad!

KING OF TOWN: But how could we? The trial is this afternoon!

COACH Z: Well, I guess the obvious solution would be to bust him outta the jernt beforehand.

STRONG MAD: JAILBREAK!

STRONG SAD: I guess so, but that would require sneaking into a high-security facility of which we don’t know the layout, and is likely crawling with security guards.

KING OF TOWN: Those prison guards carry guns, don’t they?

STRONG SAD: And even if we did get Strong Bad out, we’d likely be identified by the hundreds of security cameras, and soon every police officer in the country would be hunting us down.

HOMESTAR: That doesn’t sound like vewy much fun at all.

STRONG SAD: We’d have to put all of our money together to buy a ticket out of the country, if we were lucky enough not to get nabbed at customs, and we’d spend the rest of our lives on some obscure island under false identities.

THE CHEAT: Meeeh.

STRONG SAD: We barely got out of Homeschool’s mansion alive, and that was when we had it all planned out.

BUBS: I’m gettin’ kinda tired of breakin’ the law.

STRONG SAD: Plus, that would kind of be proving what Homeschool says about us former Free Country citizens right, wouldn’t it?

COACH Z: Well, I guess that’s a bust.

HOMSAR: Dyaaaah! I’ll dig him out with a rubber spoon!

HOMESTAR: I kinda like the wubber spoon idea.

TV ANNOUNCER: Tune in this afternoon for the thrilling courtroom battle to put this larcenous scum away for good! After that, a very special episode of ‘Tangerine County’, in which…

STRONG MAD: Baaaagh!

He prepares to kick the TV.

COACH Z: Whoa, there. Don’t bust the tube, Strong Mad. I haven’t seen my sorps.

STRONG MAD: Awww.

MARZIPAN (thoughtfully): If only we had some sort of evidence that Homeschool was the one who stole our funds, Strong Bad might actually have a case.

COACH Z: Well, there is this…

He holds up the financial records.

BUBS: All of Homeschool’s skullduggery is right there, but there’s no way we could show that in court. We’d have to explain how we got it, and that puts us right back in the line of fire again.

Marzipan studies the documents. A look of determination crosses her face. She heads for the door.

HOMESTAR: What are you doing, Marzipan?

MARZIPAN: I’m going to save Strong Bad.

HOMESTAR: Weally?

MARZIPAN: I owe this to him, and to all of you. I’ve got everything I need to take Homeschool down.

HOMSAR: Dyaaah! You’re beyond Thunderdome!

Marzipan runs out and heads towards the courthouse.

COACH Z: That’s some gal.

HOMESTAR: Man, I’m in love with that one.

STRONG SAD: So, uh, are we just gonna sit here and wait?

POM POM: (bubbles)

BUBS: I’m with you, Pom Pom! I wouldn’t miss that for the world!

KING OF TOWN: I can’t wait to see the look on Homeschool’s face!

HOMESTAR: Let’s go!

Everybody runs out after Marzipan.

STRONG SAD: Uh, guys? My ankle still isn’t 100 percent… in fact, I don’t think it’s 80 percent yet…

He hobbles after the rest as fast as he can go.

TO BE CONCLUDED