SCENE: Office, Homeschool Mansion. Bubs and Coach Z are in the far corner of the room, frozen in place, and Homeschool is standing angrily in the doorway.

HOMESCHOOL: What are you two doing in my office? Who are you, anyway?

BUBS (turning around, accidentally knocking Coach Z on the back of the head): Oh, uh, hi! We’re your friendly neighbourhood exterminators.

COACH Z: That’s us! Ain’t no pest here or there that we can’t shoot full of poison air!

BUBS (whispering): Hey, that’s a good one.

COACH Z (shrugging): What can I say? I’m the Empirical Lyrical King!

HOMESCHOOL: Never mind that. Why are you two here? I never called for an exterminator!

COACH Z: You didn’t? Uh, that kinda makes things a little awkward, don’t it?

BUBS (thinking quickly): Well, actually, you’re right. You didn’t make the call. The caller was a kinda mumbly guy who mentioned somethin’ about exterminatin’, and he thought that I was some kind of lady type…

HOMESCHOOL: …What? Oh, no. I’m so sorry, fellows. I thought I told my manservant to never use the telephone.

COACH Z: Eh, no biggie. You get this sorta thing in the exterminatin’ game a lot.

HOMESCHOOL: Er… I hope I haven’t wasted too much of your time. I will make sure that I speak to my butler about…

BUBS: Hey, no hard feelings! In fact, we’ll give you a free blast!

HOMESCHOOL: No, you really don’t need to…

Bubs and Coach Z quickly fill the room with noxious fumes. Homeschool falls to the floor, coughing.

COACH Z: Oops. Aren’t we the clumsy ones? We forgot you don’t have a mask for a minute, there!

They pick Homeschool up and carry him out of the room, closing the door behind them. They lay Homeschool on a chair.

HOMESCHOOL: (choked) Are you crazy?

COACH Z: That’s us! We’re completely crazy over keeping your place pest-free!

BUBS: Yep, that blast will kill anything in that room! By the way, I wouldn’t recommend going in there until about Tuesday. You seemed to have a pretty bad reaction to it.

HOMESCHOOL (angrily): Who doesn’t have a bad reaction to poisonous gas?

COACH Z: Well, definitely not the bugs and assorted verminous types in that room!

BUBS: Yep. Just lay down there for a few minutes and you’ll be rarin’ to go.

COACH Z: Well, we gotta split. If you ever have something you need pumped full of toxins, you’ll know who to call.

BUBS: Have a nice life!

They dart out the door.

HOMESCHOOL: That’s it. I’m throwing Senor Cardgage back out onto the streets. This is beyond annoying.

Bubs and Coach Z tear across the lawn.

BUBS: You think he suspects anything?

COACH Z: Nah, we were golden. Nice job fillin’ those fire extinguishers with bug spray. It really helped us in that tight spot there.

BUBS: Coach, stop with that stupid plot exposition. You’re makin’ me sick.

COACH Z: Gotcha, Bubsy.

They exit the gate and sneak around to the hedge. They climb into the hedge, where Strong Sad is waiting.

BUBS: Ding dong, Strong Sad! We’re back!

STRONG SAD: What took you so long? I thought you had the papers.

COACH Z: We did, but we had a run-in with the bad man himself. That was a pretty sticky situation there.

STRONG SAD: You ran into Homeschool? How did you get away?

BUBS: Ah, he didn’t recognize us, so we used our handy-dandy bug blasters for a smokescreen and got away. By the time he even goes in the office again, we’ll be long gone.

COACH Z (pulling the papers out of his jacket): Here’s the records. Not as great as my records, but whatever turns you on, right?

He unzips his jacket.

COACH Z: Ah, it’ll feel good to get out of these…

We only see Coach Z from behind, but Bubs and Strong Sad are horrorstruck.

STRONG SAD: Ow… my eyes…

BUBS: Great hollerin’ catfish, Coach! Nobody wants to see that!

COACH Z (pulling his jacket together): Oops. Uh, sorry, fellahs. I forgot that I had left my other duds back at Pom Pom’s place. I was cookin’ in these things!

STRONG SAD: I wonder if any of these branches are sharp enough to gouge out my eyes?

BUBS: Speakin’ of eyes, have you seen anything unusual, scout boy?

STRONG SAD: Scout what?

BUBS: Scout boy! The scout to figure it out!

STRONG SAD: Bubs… just… please, never give me a nickname again.

BUBS: No problem, chubbery-blubbery… I mean, Strong Sad.

STRONG SAD: Well, anyway, I’m kinda worried. All of the Unguraits disappeared in a very short time. I don’t know where they all went. I tried telling the others, but Strong Bad and The Cheat aren’t answering. Then again, maybe they just don’t want to talk to me. As usual.

COACH Z: Well, Strong Sad, I’ve always said that it’s not communicatin’ if there’s no wires attached. This whole cellulated culture of ours confounds me to no end.

BUBS: Coach Z, yogurt confounds you to no end.

COACH Z: Well, I’ll give ya that. How do they get all that fruit at the bottom anyway? The first time I thought it was a fluke, but I keep finding it every time!

A man sticks his head through the hedges.

PIZZA GUY: Uh, hi. Did anybody here order a pizza?

COACH Z: You talkin’ to me, buddy?

He turns around, and his jacket accidentally opens again.

PIZZA GUY: AAUGH! MY EYES ARE ON FIRE!

He drops the pizza and runs.

BUBS: What some people won’t do to get outta payin’ for food, says I.

STRONG SAD: I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat again.

COACH Z (examining the pizza): Boy oh boy! It’s got ‘shrooms, ‘roni, and ‘reen ‘eppers!

BUBS: Why the long face, Strong Sad? You look more characteristically depressed than most days.

STRONG SAD: Do you think something happened to them?

COACH Z: I wouldn’t worry my head over that one too much, Strong Sad. Strong Bad and The Cheat can take care of themselves, ya know.

New scene. We cut back to the trophy room, where The Cheat is still cornered by Dijory Doo.

DIJORY DOO: Yum yum. Eeeeeat the Cheeeeat.

The Cheat looks up and sees a chain hanging from a ceiling cage. He jumps for it just as Dijory Doo pounces. The two of them end up hanging from the chain, and their combined weight sends them, cage and all, crashing to the ground. As they are momentarily stunned, something climbs from the remains of the broken cage: a small blue puppy. It seems that the cage’s occupant was not stuffed after all.

DIJORY DOO: Huh?

THE CHEAT: Meh?

The puppy looks around in a daze for a few seconds before turning towards Dijory Doo. Its cuddly face contorts into a ferocious snarl. Dijory Doo is terrified.

DIJORY DOO: Noooo… staaaay awaaaay…

PUPPY: Yarf! Yarf! Yarf!

DIJORY DOO: YAAAGH!

Dijory Doo flees the room in panic. The puppy barks at the retreating beast a few more times before stopping to scratch behind its ear. It turns towards The Cheat and starts running.

THE CHEAT: Mah! Aaagh!

The puppy jumps on The Cheat. The Cheat covers his eyes until he realizes that the puppy is merely licking his face.

THE CHEAT: Meheheh. Wunna wollana?

The puppy climbs off of him and stands in front of him, eyes wide, tongue lolling, tail wagging. The Cheat leans over and examines the puppy’s dog license:

Trivia Time: If lost return to Pom Pom. Rabies April 2000.

THE CHEAT (excited): Feh? Wunnagawullana! Eewanemannawa!

TRIVIA TIME: Yarf!

The Cheat runs out of the room, with Trivia Time following close behind. Another scene change finds us back at the Ungurait confrontation. Homestar, Strong Bad, Pom Pom, the King, and Homsar are forced back even farther by the vicious creatures.

STRONG BAD (angry but afraid): Stay back, you guys. I’m warning you.

UNGURAITS: Thought we heard sssneakin’ around… now we deal with intrudersssss… Ungurait’ssss way… tear flessssh from bone…

KING OF TOWN: And my cardiologist told me I was guaranteed to die in the kitchen. I guess this proves him wrong.

STRONG BAD: If these guys are gonna take us, they’re gonna get a fight first. Right, guys?

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Right, Homestar? Homestar?

He turns and sees that Homestar is eating flowers.

STRONG BAD: What the crap are you doing?

HOMESTAR: Eatin’ flowers, I guess. It’s on my list of stuff to do before I die. I’d do more things fwom the list, but Bwooke Shields isn’t here.

The Unguraits advance even closer, cackling wickedly.

HOMSAR: Saturday night’s all right for a fight!

KING OF TOWN: Oh, dear.

The Unguraits now have the gang backed against the wall.

STRONG BAD: Well, I guess I should say that it’s been nice knowing you guys. You know, when you weren’t being annoying and dumb. I guess I enjoyed being around you about 20% of the time. Maybe 18%.

HOMESTAR: Aw, Stwong Bad. You’re gonna make me cwy.

Suddenly the lead Ungurait steps forward.

LEAD UNGURAIT: Wait… firsssst, sssslay the massssked one in combat I will… then we will feasssst on the otherssss…

STRONG BAD: You want a fight? Then let’s go, man!

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Hey, I know what I’m doing. I’m gonna tear bandage-brains here a new Jodhpur!

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: I know that doesn’t make sense! Just stay back and keep the rest away as best you can!

LEAD UNGURAIT: Make your peace, masssssked one…

STRONG BAD: You bet I am. I’m gonna make several pieces outta you!

They stare at each other for what seems an eternity, breathing heavily. Both the Unguraits and Strong Bad’s friends watch anxiously. Suddenly, the Ungurait bares his claws and screams a piercing war cry. Strong Bad brandishes his fists. Simultaneously, they lunge at one another, meeting in midair. The Ungurait clamps his jaws on Strong Bad’s arm. Strong Bad knocks the assailant off with a quick uppercut, and then follows through with a right cross, sending the Ungurait staggering.

STRONG BAD: Well, that was easy…

The Ungurait suddenly tackles Strong Bad to the floor, pinning him down. He begins to dig his claws into Strong Bad’s shoulders, but Strong Bad headbutts the creature, knocking him away. The Ungurait makes another lunge, but Strong Bad pulls off a roundhouse, sending the Ungurait flying towards the far wall.

LEAD UNGURAIT: I will not be defeated by thissss inssssect….

What happens next occurs in slow motion. The Ungurait braces himself and uses the wall as a rebound point, springing from the wall and shooting straight back at Strong Bad’s face. Strong Bad barely is able to dodge the attack, but ends up falling off balance and striking his head against the wall. With a groan, Strong Bad falls to the floor in a daze. The Unguraits cheer savagely.

HOMESTAR: Stwong Bad!

The Lead Ungurait has by now rebounded from the other wall and does a graceful flip to a standing position, hovering over the prone form of his enemy. Homestar, Pom Pom, the King and Homsar watch in horror.

LEAD UNGURAIT: Ssssay goodbye to your friend, fool… you will be the next to die…

He pushes Strong Bad’s head back, exposing the vulnerable skin of his neck. The Ungurait’s bloodthirsty cheers reach a fever pitch as he raises a clawed hand, ready to strike…

Suddenly a loud CLANK cuts through the din, silencing everybody. As one, everybody turns around to see the source of the noise. Said source proves to be a serious-looking Poopsmith, brandishing his shovel. The Unguraits begin to tremble.

HOMESTAR: All wight! It’s the Poopsmith!

UNGURAITS: AAAAIIIIEEE! Poopsssssmith! Pleassssse… powerful one… do not desssstroy ussss…

The Poopsmith simply walks forward. The cowering Unguraits shrink against the wall, leaving a path for him. The Poopsmith walks up to the Lead Ungurait, who still standing over Strong Bad’s inert form. The two stare at each other.

UNGURAITS: We musssst flee… a Poopssssmith hassss returned, assss we were warned… thissss casssstle isssss sssstill protected…

LEAD UNGURAIT (rising to his feet): No! Maybe our parentssss were weak enough to be banissssshed by a Poopssssmith… but we are more powerful! Let usss sssstand together!

The Unguraits only cower further.

LEAD UNGURAIT: Cowardsssss! Are you sssstill clinging to the old prophesssiessss? I will prove our might by ssssslaying a Poopssssmith while you watch!

Gasps from the Unguraits.

KING OF TOWN: So that was his secret…

POM POM: (bubbles)

KING OF TOWN: Oh, my father never told me why I needed a Poopsmith of my own, but I often suspected it was for more than just handling waste. He always treasured his own Poopsmith more than anything else, and now I know why.

He addresses the entire room.

KING OF TOWN: Poopsmiths have been the guardians of this kingdom for generations. It was they who repelled the Unguraits, and it was only when this kingdom went without a Poopsmith that the Unguraits could return.

The Poopsmith nods.

LEAD UNGURAIT: You are correct, old man… but not even your Poopssssmith will sssstop ussss… I will break him…

The Poopsmith strikes a defensive position, keeping the Unguraits away from Strong Bad and the rest.

LEAD UNGURAIT: Tell me… oh mighty Poopsssssmith…

His claws glint maliciously.

LEAD UNGURAIT: Do you bleed…

The Poopsmith tightens his grip on his shovel.

LEAD UNGURAIT: …brown?

Suddenly the two combatants lunge at one another with blinding speed. The lead Ungurait lashes at the Poopsmith with a flurry of blows almost too fast to see, and they are blocked just as rapidly by the Poopsmith, using his shovel like a bo staff. Both the Unguraits and Free Country gang are frozen in rapt attention. In a cool shot, we see both groups watching in awe, the silhouettes of the combatants shadowing them. The fight rages with impossible intensity. No quarter is given or asked. A claw swipe. A barring defense with the shovel. A grapple over the shovel. The Poopsmith is pushed to the floor. He rolls out of the way just in time to avoid another razor-clawed pounce, jabbing the Lead Ungurait in the stomach with the wooden end of the shovel. The Ungurait rolls back towards his fellows. The two stare at one another, the Ungurait in front of his clan, and the Poopsmith guarding his friends. Both are perspiring and breathing heavily.

LEAD UNGURAIT: Impressssive, Poopsssmith… I sssssee you hold your own even againsssst me.

The Poopsmith makes no response.

LEAD UNGURAIT: Ssso I will now ssstrike you down with my full power.

In a sudden movement, he tears his robe apart, revealing four insect-like extra arms, all accoutred with claws just as sharp as his regular ones. The Unguraits gasp, as do the rest.

HOMESTAR: Wow. Sewiously, that scawed me. I think I wet myself over that one.

KING OF TOWN: Oh, no! He’s using his ultimate battle stance!

POM POM: (bubbles)

KING OF TOWN: It’s a technique Unguraits are only allowed by their creed to use once in their lives. They simply call it "The Cleansing". It’s… it’s extremely powerful… I’m afraid that nobody yet has survived against the attack…

The Poopsmith does not flinch.

LEAD UNGURAIT: Let usss end thisss now.

The Poopsmith crouches slightly lower.

LEAD UNGURAIT: I pity that you will not sssurvive to hear the sssscreams of your fellowssss assss we tear them apart, bit by bit…

The Poopsmith still looks unimpressed.

LEAD UNGURAIT (furious): Foolissssh ssssimpleton. Sssshow fear you will when I have feassssted on your flessssh…

With a primal scream, the Lead Ungurait throws himself towards the Poopsmith, all six limbs spinning, an unstoppable dervish of violence. The Poopsmith does not bat an eye. The Lead Ungurait comes closer. A single drop of sweat runs down the Poopsmith’s temple. The Lead Ungurait reaches the Poopsmith. The Poopsmith draws a deep breath and serenely closes his eyes.

THE END

Whoa, had you going for a minute, didn’t I?

Suddenly, a deafening clang echoes throughout the area, seeming to shatter the very air, the entire room shaking with the reverberations. After what seems like minutes, the clang dies to deafening silence. The Unguraits open their eyes hesitantly and cry out at the sight before them. On the floor lies the still form of their leader. On his head is the broken trowel of a shovel. The Poopsmith stands over him, the broken handle still clutched tightly in his hands.

UNGURAITS: He hassss defeated our leader! Flee! Flee before he defeatssss the resssst of ussss!

The Unguraits flee in panic, a brave few stopping to grab the limp body of their leader before escaping. Outside, the Unguraits flee Homeschool Manor, disappearing into the night.

UNGURAITS: Back to the cavessss… where we belong…

The Poopsmith still stares at the now empty hallway for a short time. Then he collapses to one knee, giving into his physical and mental exhaustion. The King of Town slowly steps to his side.

KING OF TOWN: Thank you, my Poopsmith. We owe you our lives and so much more. Thank you… and forgive me for not knowing your true role in the kingdom.

The Poopsmith bows respectfully to the King. Both then turn back to the others.

KING OF TOWN: How is he, Homestar?

HOMESTAR: I think he’s waking up. If blows to the head were bad for Stwong Bad, he’d be kicking over daisies a long time ago.

HOMSAR: Dyaaah! This is your all-request wake-up call!

Strong Bad groans and opens his eyes.

STRONG BAD: Hear… stupid comments… must… insult… to look cool…

HOMESTAR: Hey, slugger! How’s evewy little thing?

STRONG BAD (dazed): Stupid guy… with crap… huh? What happened?

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: I got beat up by an Ungurait? Ohhh… again with the headaches. Always with the headaches.

HOMESTAR: But then our vewy own Poopsmith saved the day!

STRONG BAD: …what?! Crap-slinger fought them off all by himself?

KING OF TOWN: He didn’t need to. After he incapacitated their leader, they took off into the night! We’ve seen the last of those cretins this time!

STRONG BAD: Let me get this straight. I owe my life to the Poopsmith?

HOMESTAR: Pawt and pawcel, my man.

STRONG BAD: Ugghh. I’m never gonna live this one down.

KING OF TOWN: No need to feel down about it, Strong Bad. You fought bravely, and you did it to protect us. We owe you a debt of thanks, as well.

STRONG BAD (rising to his feet): Hey, don’t get all syrupy and Nutrisweet on me, man. I just didn’t want some punk Ungurait to take me without a fight, that’s all.

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: That’s right, man. You guys had nothing to do with it. I fight my own battles, and that’s all there it to it. That’s all.

KING OF TOWN: If you say so, Strong Bad.

STRONG BAD: I do say so.

KING OF TOWN: Very well. Come, everybody. We’ll have to get into the passage from the entrance at the end of this hallway.

Strong Bad stands and watches as everybody else follows the King. Homsar stares at Strong Bad.

HOMSAR: Yo-o-o-o-ou’re my hero!

STRONG BAD: Yeah, whatever. Let’s just get outta here.

Strong Bad follows the gang, Homsar hobbling after him.

STRONG BAD: I guess I’ll tell the rest that we’re okay.

He switches on the baby monitor.

STRONG SAD’S VOICE: Hello?

STRONG BAD: Hey, wiener. How’s the specs?

STRONG SAD’S VOICE: What?

STRONG BAD: It doesn’t matter. How’s everything at your end?

STRONG SAD’S VOICE: Well, Bubs and Coach Z made it out all right with the documents, but where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you for the last twenty minutes!

STRONG BAD: Oh. We got a little sidetracked by those stinkin’ Unguraits. Don’t worry. We… uh, I fought them off. Then Poophead scared them away. I guess they hate his smell just as much as we do.

STRONG SAD’S VOICE: Are you all right, Strong Bad? You sound tired or something.

STRONG BAD: Hey, get off my case, man. I’m just sick of this place, that’s all.

STRONG SAD’S VOICE: Okay, okay. Have you heard from The Cheat yet?

STRONG BAD: No. Have you?

STRONG SAD’S VOICE: No, and he won’t answer. Do you think he ran into the Unguraits?

STRONG BAD: Don’t go poisoning my mind with your pessimistic crap, man. The Cheat is just fine.

STRONG SAD’S VOICE: Well, you have to admit it is a possib…

Strong Bad switches off the baby monitor. He then tunes into The Cheat’s frequency.

STRONG BAD: The Cheat?

No answer. Just static. Strong Bad, defeated, switches off the monitor.

STRONG BAD (to himself): Strong Mad, if you’ve let anything happen to The Cheat, I’m gonna beat the living crap outta you.

HOMESTAR: You don’t have to wowwy about The Cheat, Stwong Bad.

STRONG BAD: Nobody asked you, Homestar.

HOMESTAR: I know. You don’t have to ask me, man.

STRONG BAD: Homestar, just be quiet…

HOMESTAR: The Cheat is a clever little wascal. If he met those Unguwaits, he’d just out-twick ‘em.

STRONG BAD: I know, but… but… for the love of crap, Homestar, he’s just a little guy. If he got caught off-guard, he’d… well, I don’t know.

HOMESTAR: Chins up, Stwong Bad. You’ll see him again.

STRONG BAD: Homestar, how can you be so optimistic all of the time?

HOMESTAR: I dunno. It’s a lot more fun than being gwumpy all the time.

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Huh?

KING OF TOWN: What do you hear, Pom Pom?

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Wait, I hear it too.

The skittering sound of some small animal’s footfalls grows louder and louder. A distinctive bark echoes.

STRONG BAD: They’ve set the hounds upon us!

Trivia Time emerges from around the corner.

STRONG BAD: Man, you’d think that Homeschool could afford better hounds. That’s just a freakin’ puppy! I think we can…

Pom Pom suddenly bounds forward. Trivia Time leaps into Pom Pom’s arms.

POM POM: (bubbles)

TRIVIA TIME: Yarf!

STRONG BAD: Okay, that is officially the lousiest attack dog in history.

HOMESTAR: That’s not an attack dog, Stwong Bad. I think that’s Twivia Time.

STRONG BAD: Trivia what?

HOMESTAR: Twivia Time was Pom Pom’s dog. He disappeared a long time ago and nobody knew where he went.

Trivia Time licks Pom Pom’s face.

KING OF TOWN: Ah, the camaraderie between a fellow and his faithful hound. Right, Poopsmith?

The Poopsmith looks mildly disgusted.

KING OF TOWN: Er, never mind. I got sentimental for a minute.

Pom Pom cuddles with Trivia Time. Strong Bad sighs and looks away.

HOMESTAR: What’s the matter, Stwong Bad?

The Cheat peeks around the corner.

STRONG BAD: It’s nothing. I just…

THE CHEAT: Meh?

STRONG BAD (turning around): The Cheat?

THE CHEAT: Meenawanna!

STRONG BAD: The Cheat!

The Cheat jumps into Strong Bad’s arms.

STRONG BAD: Oh, man, The Cheat. Don’t ever scare me like that again. You had me scared to death.

THE CHEAT: Mehneh.

Homestar stands between Pom Pom cuddling Trivia Time and Strong Bad cuddling The Cheat.

HOMESTAR: I wish I had a fuwwy fwiend.

HOMSAR: I-I-I’m a warm happy!

Homsar jumps into Homestar’s "arms".

HOMESTAR: Somehow it just isn’t the same.

KING OF TOWN: Well, it looks like we’re all together again.

POM POM: (bubbles)

STRONG BAD: Hey, he’s right. Where the crap is Strong Mad?

THE CHEAT: Wennu munnaweena gunnawa neeneranna.

STRONG BAD: In the tunnel? Well, I’m gonna give that guy a good talking to. What was he doing that was so important while you were in trouble?

THE CHEAT: Idunno.

STRONG BAD: Come on. Let’s find him.

KING OF TOWN: The entrance to the secret passage is right through here.

The group steps into the passage, closing the wall behind them. They walk through the passage mostly in silence. They pass a section of the wall made of glass, through which the rest of the palace can be seen.

STRONG BAD: Whoa. I think we’d better not go this way. Somebody might see us through that conspicuously placed glass.

KING OF TOWN (laughing): Nothing to worry about, Strong Bad. That is one-way glass.

STRONG BAD: One-way glass? What’s it like going the other way?

KING OF TOWN: You see, to us, the glass is transparent, but to anybody on the other side, it’s just a mirror! It allows anybody in these tunnels to observe the comings and goings of the palace completely unnoticed!

STRONG BAD: Oh, man. So you could be making faces at people and stuff and they’d never notice?

KING OF TOWN: Exactly.

STRONG BAD: The Cheat, remind me to buy some of this stuff when we "remodel" Strong Sad’s bedroom.

THE CHEAT: Peema!

The rest of the group walks past the glass. Homestar pauses.

HOMESTAR: What will those Imagineers think of next?

Suddenly something moves past the glass that catches Homestar’s eye.

HOMESTAR: Wait… Marzipan?

Marzipan sadly examines herself in the mirror, halfheartedly adjusting her hair.

HOMESTAR: Wow. She’s still pwetty… But she sure looks sad about something.

A tear rolls down Marzipan’s cheek. She lowers her head and walks away.

HOMESTAR: Oh, man. She’s cwying or some girl thing like that. I’d better go and…

He turns back towards the tunnel but is halted by Strong Bad grabbing him by the shirt.

STRONG BAD: Not so fast, Casablanca.

HOMESTAR: But Stwong Bad, she’s…

STRONG BAD: Look, Homestar. If you really want to talk to her, do it after we’ve sent Homeschool down the flusher. Right now talking to her will only give us away, and remember what happens to people who get left behind?

HOMESTAR: Uh… something about getting tortured, I think.

STRONG BAD: Close enough. Let’s go.

HOMESTAR: Oh, all wight.

They continue their trek through the passage.

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Yeah, I guess you’re wight. But she looked all sad. What would Marzipan have to be sad about? She used to be the happiest girl I knew.

POM POM: (bubbles)

HOMESTAR: Yeah, the only girl I knew, too. But she…

STRONG BAD: There you are!

The group has found Strong Mad, who is groggily getting to his feet.

STRONG BAD: Some bodyguard you are! While you’ve been taking a pleasant snooze, The Cheat nearly got hisself killed!

STRONG MAD: Huh?

STRONG BAD: Now, what do you have to say for yourself?

STRONG MAD: Uhhh…

Strong Mad looks at The Cheat. The Cheat looks back.

STRONG BAD: I fully expect this to be the wedge driven forever between you two. The camel hair that broke the straws. The beginning of the end of the once glorious friendship between that once-inseparable duo we affectionately refer to as Strong Mad and The Che…

He turns and sees that Strong Mad and The Cheat are hugging affectionately.

STRONG BAD: What? So you forgive him, just like that?

THE CHEAT: Peh!

STRONG BAD: Doesn’t anybody know how to have a good fight anymore?

The Poopsmith gives Strong Bad a dirty look.

STRONG BAD: Oh, uh, sorry, man. Bad choice of wording on my part.

KING OF TOWN: The stairs are just ahead. Then we can go to the sewers, pick up our things, and make a clean getaway!

POM POM: (bubbles)

KING OF TOWN: Well, as clean as we can walking through those sewers.

Meanwhile, we see Homeschool pacing his mansion in a fury.

HOMESCHOOL: Where are those blasted Unguraits? They couldn’t have vanished into thin air. Don’t tell me those creatures have run back to their filthy caves… Senor Cardgage!

SENOR CARDGAGE (shuffling up): You behollered me, Angelicaphne?

HOMESCHOOL: Where have the Unguraits gone?

SENOR CARDGAGE: Oh, they jascooted, sometimes this afterday.

HOMESCHOOL: What?! Why?

SENOR CARDGAGE: I don’ts know, Hubertha. I only answers the doorway.

HOMESCHOOL: Well, you can propel yourself through that same doorway. Between this and the exterminator stunt, I’m letting you go! You’re fired.

SENOR CARDGAGE: Surely you woulds begrunge an old alternator his severance pay?

HOMESCHOOL: Severance pay? I’ll give you severance pay!

He kicks Senor Cardgage in the belly, doubling him over.

HOMESCHOOL: Now get out of here before I call the police!

SENOR CARDGAGE: I will expurgate mineself, Janelyn.

He walks away, still bent over.

HOMESCHOOL: Dijory Doo! Dijory Doo! Where is that rodent?

He hears a whimpering from underneath a chair. Peeling back the comforter, he finds Dijory Doo cowering underneath.

HOMESCHOOL: Where have you been? Something has been going on in this house, and I demand to know what!

DIJORY DOO: Spies! Thieves! Break into house, attack Dijory Doo! Nearly got killed! Sneakin’ around, Dijory Doo thinks!

HOMESCHOOL: Thieves? Why didn’t you tell me?

DIJORY DOO: Crazy! Hurts Dijory Doo! Set wild beast on him! Can’t be real! Monsters!

HOMESCHOOL (kicking Dijory Doo): If they’ve stolen anything, I’ll show you what a monster really is!

He runs off.

DIJORY DOO: Can’t let Master know was beaten by Cheat. Tell ‘im it was robbers instead.

Homeschool runs up the stairs to the north tower, and enters the combination to the secret vault. He stares at the empty vault in shock.

HOMESCHOOL: Robbed! I’ve been robbed!

He races down the stairs.

HOMESCHOOL: The alarm! We’ll not let that thief get away with this!

DIJORY DOO: But Master…

HOMESCHOOL: Now, you fanged throw rug!

Dijory Doo smashes a glass compartment and presses a large red button. Meanwhile, Homestar, Strong Bad, Pom Pom, Strong Mad, The Cheat, the King, the Poopsmith, Homsar, and Trivia Time have reached the sewer exit. All of them are carrying boxes.

STRONG BAD: We made it!

HOMESTAR: Hooway!

KING OF TOWN: You know, my boys, I was wondering if we’d ever get out of there with our skins, but now, we’re home free.

HOMESTAR: I just love happy endings.

Suddenly, the air is shattered by a shrieking klaxon. Everybody holds their ears.

STRONG MAD: WAAAGH!

STRONG BAD (shouting over the noise): Holy crap! What was that?

HOMESTAR: Is there a fire somewhere?

KING OF TOWN: I think we’re the fire! We’d best be out of here!

They begin to run from the sewer entrance and into the lawn. Coach Z, Bubs and Strong Sad join them from the hedges.

STRONG BAD: What happened? I thought that this was working!

STRONG SAD: I don’t know! All of a sudden this siren just went off!

COACH Z: This ain’t good. The screws are gonna be on our tails in no time!

KING OF TOWN: And we’re still a mile from the property boundary!

HOMESTAR: I weally wish one of us owned a car.

STRONG SAD: I guess we’re really doomed this time.

The Cheat and Trivia Time start jumping up and down. Trivia Time’s ears are twitching.

THE CHEAT: Meh! Weena!

TRIVIA TIME: Yarf yarf!

STRONG BAD: What is it, you guys?

THE CHEAT: Muhweenawunnama!

All turn and see a horrifying sight. A police helicopter rises from behind Homeschool Manor.

BUBS: I’ve got a feeling that’s not the A-Team…

The inky blackness of the night is pierced by a brilliant searchlight from the helicopter.

HOMESTAR: It’s the Eye of Sauwon!

The group scatters just before the searchlight reaches them. They run around frantically, barely avoiding the sweep of the light.

KING OF TOWN: Quickly! To the trees!

The King heads towards the small cluster of trees. Strong Bad and the Poopsmith follow.

STRONG BAD: This is no good. They’ll find us here eventually. We’re just buying time with a canceled credit card!

The Poopsmith calmly steps forward and raps a small patch of earth with his broken handle. Another secret Poopsmith tunnel opens.

KING OF TOWN: Good work, Poopsmith!

STRONG BAD: I guess there’s a reason we keep you around after all, man.

The Poopsmith looks slightly angry. The howl of a police siren grows in the distance.

KING OF TOWN: Quickly, everybody! Down the hole! We don’t have a second to spare!

STRONG BAD: Let’s move it, people! Come on!

Carrying their bundles, the gang runs towards the hole and dive to safety. The sirens grow louder, and the searchlight sweeps even closer. Homestar jumps first, followed by Bubs, Pom Pom and Trivia Time, Homsar, and Strong Mad.

THE CHEAT: Meenawullah?

STRONG BAD: Just go! I’ll be right behind you!

The Cheat jumps in.

KING OF TOWN: Perhaps I should go as well.

STRONG BAD: Don’t worry, your Highness. Just get outta here. We’ve almost got everything.

The King leaps into the hole.

STRONG BAD: So… uh, look, man. I don’t say stuff like this often, but thanks for saving all of our butts. Twice. I really do appreciate it.

The Poopsmith nods and bows politely.

STRONG BAD: But, uh, don’t tell anybody I said that.

The Poopsmith winks and jumps into the hole.

STRONG BAD: Come on, you guys!

Coach Z and Strong Sad are running towards the trees. Coach Z is carrying the last box and Strong Sad has the pizza. Suddenly the spotlight sweeps behind them, and they have to break off to the sides to avoid it. Strong Sad drops the pizza.

STRONG BAD: Come on!

COACH Z: I’m comin’, I’m comin’!

Coach Z drops the last box down the hole.

COACH Z: There. That’s the last of it. Now we can lam before the fuzz arrives.

The police siren reaches its crescendo. Tires squeal from not too far away.

STRONG BAD: The fuzz has arrived! Strong Sad, come on!

STRONG SAD: Sorry. I was just getting the pizza. I know you’d kill me if I left the…

Strong Sad is caught off guard and trips on a rock. He falls on his face a few feet from the trees.

COACH Z: Ouch. That was not pleasant spill.

STRONG BAD: Get up, Strong Sad! We’ve gotta get out of here now!

Strong Sad tries to get up and winces.

STRONG SAD: Uh, you’re not going to believe this, but I think I turned my ankle.

STRONG BAD: Get up, you stupid moron, or you’ll get a lot more than your ankle wrecked!

STRONG SAD: Just leave me here. I’m just slowing you down. As usual.

The spotlight looms dangerously close to Strong Sad.

COACH Z: Gee, it’s too bad Strong Mad ain’t here to help. I’d help, but my chiropractman says that heavy liftin’ isn’t recommended in my current condition.

STRONG BAD (getting desperate): If you don’t get up right now, I’m gonna knock the crap outta you, Strong Sad!

STRONG SAD: No. Just leave me here. I won’t tell them about you guys. Prison life doesn’t sound too different from my current existence…

Strong Bad watches as the searchlight just misses Strong Sad’s foot. A bombardment of images and sounds assaults his senses.

HOMESTAR: Aw, you guys are the gweatest!

KING OF TOWN: We’re all like a family, aren’t we?

HOMSAR: Yo-o-o-ou’re my hero!

COACH Z: My boys are back!

STRONG MAD: I’M A BAD BROTHER!

THE CHEAT: Wunnaweema?

STRONG BAD: I don’t need them. I don’t need anybody. … If anybody gets left behind, they’re dead to us! You understand? … I fight my own battles, and that’s all there is to it!

Strong Bad sees himself as a child, playfully pushing a young Strong Sad into a pile of leaves and laughing. He then sees himself, locked within a cold, cramped prison cell, false bravado crumbling, walls and bars unchanging, a feeling of hopelessness, despair and utter loneliness taking over…

Pulled back to reality, Strong Bad grits his teeth with determination.

STRONG BAD: Nobody’s gonna put my brother through that crap. Even if it is Strong Sad…

Without hesitation, Strong Bad dashes up to his brother. Straining, he manages to lift his brother with pure adrenaline.

STRONG SAD: Gosh. I guess this means you really do like me.

STRONG BAD: Shut up. Coach Z! Catch!

COACH Z: I’m wide open, Strong Bad!

With all of his might (and perhaps something extra), Strong Bad hurls Strong Sad at Coach Z. Strong Sad slams into Coach Z and the two of them fall down the hole. Strong Bad wipes his brow.

STRONG BAD: And now to get away before…

His words die when the searchlight suddenly focuses on him dead centre. It is quickly joined by dozens of flashlight beams.

MEGAPHONE VOICE: Hold it right there. Give yourself up.

A group of police officers march up to Strong Bad.

CHIEF: Well, well. If it isn’t our old friend Mr. Strong Bad. Somehow I knew that we would meet again.

Strong Bad doesn’t say anything.

CHIEF: Care to explain why you were trespassing on Homeschool Winner’s property while he was being robbed?

STRONG BAD (quietly venomous): Just shut up.

CHIEF: Nothing to say? You sure had a lot to say the last time we arrested you.

Strong Bad makes a quick glance to the trees. He sees that the hole has closed. Homeschool comes running up.

HOMESCHOOL: Strong Bad? I knew you were behind this robbery! Where are my valuables, you filthy bandit?

Strong Bad makes no response. The Chief puts him in handcuffs.

CHIEF: Don’t worry, Mr. Winner. We will have a nice round of questioning back at the station. Mr. Strong Bad, you are hereby arrested on suspicion of grand larceny. You have right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney…

The rights continue as Strong Bad is escorted into a police cruiser. The sirens wail once more, this time receding into the distance. Nobody notices that Marzipan has witnessed the whole thing from the gate.