I'M ONLINE???
Man, they'll give webspace
to anybody these days... even, say, this guy...
Hi. I am known by many names,
and RClock is one of them. I'm using this one because it 's shorter than the
others. I'd explain who I am, but, well, I highly doubt anybody who doesn't
know me would ever intentionally end up here.
If you came here looking for
jewelled limited-edition watches or something on a search engine, you might
want to hit the ol' back button. Things are gonna make even less sense as you
go in deeper.
And here's a little advance
warning: there exist orangutans with better HTML prowess than me, so don't expect
this to look like the Pebble Beach Country Club or anything. Not that a website
could look like the Pebble Beach Country Club, mind you, but you get the idea.
Site Stuff:
Stuff I'm Doing When I'm Not Here
Have fun!
-RClock
Legal
Notice: All copyrighted characters, names and ideas depicted here are the
exclusive copyright of their original creators, and my mentioning them here is
not intended for infringement of any sort. Nothing on this web site is for
profit, monetary or otherwise. And everything else is 100% my intellectual
property, but I'm trusting you guys not to rip me off.
Ha
ha ha. Guess I fooled you. Nope, I don't do blogs. Don't read 'em, don't write
'em. They make me uncomfortable.
You
can go back now. No, really. Go back.
So... what do I look like?
I'm not overly fond of revealing what I look
like online. No, I'm not hideously deformed or anything, but I enjoy the
mystery one gets as part of the anonymity of the Internet. Plus, I find that
after people discover what you look like, they tend to be unable to separate
the face from the works. I think my stuff speaks for itself. But if you need to
see what I look like...
CLICK HERE, s'il te plait.
Okay,
so it's outdated by 20 years or so, but that should give you a rough idea of
what I look like. This should dissuade those rampant Internet rumours that I'm
black.
Sadly,
Barkley is no longer with us. He was put down after a tragic plaster-related
incident during home renovations. Requiem eternum, Barkley.
BARKLEY THE DOG
(1983
- 1991)
I
GET AROUND...
Maybe
you've run into me somewhere else on this big old Internet. Here's where:
(Elaboration
coming soon!)
NOW
HE'S DOING EDITORIALS...
Yeah,
that's right. Here's where all my aimless rants masquerading as legitimate
articles will eventually go. I don't have much up here right now, but that will
change.
And
in case I don't make myself clear already, everything in these articles is my
opinion. Don't agree with me? That's the magic of opinions; you don't have to!
ARCHIVED
ARTICLES:
My Top 100 Songs - August 7, 2005
Why Revenge of the Sith Rocks - June 9,
2005
The Five Best Movies You've Never Seen -
March 31, 2005
Messed-up Cartoons: The Brave Frog - March
5, 2005
Paper Hearts and the Meaning of Life - Jan
13, 2005
The
other day I was walking downtown in the bitter cold, my jacket wrapped tightly
around me. Thanks to the efforts of the road workers, the sidewalks were
completely buried, forcing me to walk along the outside edge of the road,
stumbling wearily along the inch-high drifts. My hood, hat and collar worked to
cover as much of my face as it could, but I could still feel the stinging wind
freezing the water around my eyes. I tend to go on autopilot in times like
this, letting my feet work automatically as my mind wanders to anywhere it
chooses.
I
was stirred back to reality when I saw a flash of magenta out of the corner of
my eye. Against the maddening uniform white, it was impossible to miss.
Stopping, I bent over and picked up the small object clinging tenaciously to a
snowdrift. It was a small paper heart, about the size of the palm of my hand.
It was very thin paper; barely thicker than a post-it note. Turning it over, I
saw that the heart was adorned with a simple inscription in black ink:
JANET
Despite
the cold and the wind, I just stood there for a moment, staring at the delicate
item in my hand. I don't know exactly how long I stared at it, nor did I notice
if anybody saw me. It wouldn't really matter if I did; the world at large
considers me a shiftless daydreamer, so I wasn't making a bad impression on
myself or anything. I half-considered stuffing the heart in my pocket, but for
whatever reason I set it back in the snow and continued on my way. Perhaps I
didn't feel it was mine to have.
It
should have ended there, but for the rest of the day my thoughts kept creeping
back to that little paper heart. Why did what was, for all purposes, a piece of
garbage, make such an impression on me? Maybe it was because so much was
revealed simply through the existence of that heart. And so much more was laid
open to question.
Who
was Janet? Did she make the heart? Did somebody make it for her? If so, what
relation were they to her, and why was it made? Did Janet ever get the heart?
Did it mean anything to her? Was it lost? Discarded? Abandoned? I'll likely
never know. And yet, there is so much I do know.
It's
obvious that whoever made that heart took some time to make it. Tracing it,
cutting it out of paper, and writing the name on it took some effort, however
minor. That heart didn't just come to be from random natural progresses. As
well, that heart was designed with specific purposes in mind. In general,
people do not create hearts inscribed with girl's names on them for no reason.
That heart had some sort of specific intention behind its creation, and there
was conscious effort towards its completion. I may not know what these
intentions are, but I do know that they do exist.
And
that was finally when it hit me. It's just like life, isn't it?
Just
like people walking past that little heart sitting in the snow, we go through
life without seeing who was responsible for our creation. And sometimes it's
not always readily apparent as to what our purpose is for being here. But that
doesn't mean that somebody wasn't responsible for our creation. And it doesn't
mean that we don't have a purpose for being here. All of the trivial little
questions we can come up with about what and why can't change the truth. If I
can get so much information from such a little paper heart, imagine the information
we can find in the rest of this incredible universe, from the intricate strands
of a DNA molecule to the incredible mass and energy of the largest stars. All
of this just didn't come out of nowhere, and it's not just hanging around for
no reason. Somebody made all this. And Somebody put it there for a reason.
So,
here's my main point; even though I never saw who made that paper heart, I know
that somebody had created it. And even though I was never told why it was made,
I knew that it was deliberately designed with some purpose in mind.
And
the same could easily be said of you and I.
IÕve decided to try something a bit different,
just experimental-like. I hope you all enjoy it (all 5 of you that read this,
that is; hi, Mom! Hi, Jenny! IÕll call ya tonight!).
Messed-up cartoons. You know when you rent or
buy some obscure title made by a company youÕve never heard of and end up
slack-jawed in horror, disgust, or
holy-crap-I-canÕt-believe-I-paid-money-for-this-garbage incredulity? Well, this
is a collection my experiences with these rotten cartoons that plagued my
childhood, and are partially responsible for my somewhat deranged countenance
today.
This will NOT be a place to discuss badly-made
but relatively well-known (or at least "respectable") cartoons. You
wonÕt find mainstream crap like the Shnookums & Meat, Kissyfur, or the
steaming cauldron of horror known as David the Gnome. Nor is this a place for
the works of well-known yet deranged creators like Don Bluth, Tim Burton and
Ralph Bakshi. This is for the REALLY bad, REALLY weird, and REALLY obscure
ones. If any of you out there have seen any of the productions I analyze, IÕd
absolutely love to hear about it. You might end up published!
Well, so long as weÕre looking at bad cartoons,
we may as well start at the top, or perhaps the bottom, with the absolute worst
cartoon IÕve ever had the misfortune of seeing.
FROM THE ANNALS OF MESSED-UP CARTOONS, ITÕSÉ
THE BRAVE FROG
(Boy, I wish this one would croak)
The Brave Frog. DoesnÕt sound like an abyss of
mind-warping horror, does it? Well, titles can be deceiving. Like nobodyÕs
business. The animation is hideous, the voices are below the pay-scale stuff
you hear on low-budget commercials on local TV and radio stations, the music is
grotesque, and the plot is insultingly bleak ("Like a Shakespearean
tragedy on acid", one insightful viewer had it). And although I donÕt know
the exact running time, IÕd estimate it clocks in at least three hours. Now, IÕm willing to sit
through a film like, say, Lord of the Rings for three hours or so. But believe
me, a long running time is the ONLY thing this film has in common with Lord of
the Rings.
Now, before we start, let me just say that itÕs
been several years since IÕve seen this film, as it was thrown out like the garbage
it is years ago. I almost regret it, as IÕd love to do a full analysis from
more than memory. However, IÕm sure you should be able to see how bad this is
from what I remember of it.
The movie opens with a young family of
anthropomorphic frogs swimming merrily in a small pond with their newly hatched
tadpoles. However, a badly drawn pike or something comes out of nowhere and
gobbles up all of the tadpoles save one; an ugly little fellow with puffy lips
and a baseball cap. That tadpole, needless to say is the protagonist of the
piece, the titular Brave Frog. You can tell how much of an impact he made on
me; I canÕt ever remember his name. So, IÕll just refer to him as "Brave
Frog" from here on out. Oh, and if you think the opening sounds familiar,
youÕd get no argument from me. But if I was the creator of Finding Nemo, and some guy on the Internet
so much as implied that my wonderful film was "inspired" by this
schlock, IÕd sue the vitals out of him. So, IÕm keeping my mouth shut.
Anyway, ugly little tadpole becomes an ugly
little frog, and he, along with his nebbishy Woody Allen-like father, and
demure, downright boring mother, move by raft to Rainbow Pond, where theyÕll be
safe from pikes and such, because itÕs like a big city. Uh oh. These bumpkins are
gonna get a first-hand taste of manÕs inhumanity to man. ErÉ frogÕs inhumanity
to frog. UhÉ frogÕs infrogity to frog? My head hurts. And while this is
happening, the narrator chimes in, as he does throughout the movie. Now, unlike
most narrators, this one is relegated to speaking in these really lame poems,
all of which begin with "RibbitÉ to the limitÉ put your whole heart in
it." And then he provides one of those self-motivational catchphrases that
you hear on infomercials. I have to admit the narrator is well-used. Just when
youÕve forgotten about him, here comes another stupid poem.
Ah, but Rainbow Pond is but a cardboard
paradise, as it is run by the Frog King, a massive frog with a bushy moustache
(!!!), who looks like a good candidate for the Subway Diet. His daughter is the
scrawny and whiny Princess Pookie – no prizes for guessing that she plays
a major part in proceedings, Heaven help us. The King is royally croaked off,
because heÕs heard that a family of tree frogs (guess who?) has arrived at
Rainbow Pond, and everybody knows that tree frogs have no place living among
leopard frogs. Wow. I bet nobody ever was a racist again after seeing this
movie. For real.
Watching the King converse with his daughter is
an interesting view of varied "acting" styles. The King grumbles his
lines like heÕs trying to imitate Marlon Brando by stuffing his cheeks with
butter. Pookie, by contrast, whines and mewls all of her lines, and doesnÕt
pause between her phrases, like everything she says is one long run-on sentence.
And yet despite this, neither of the two could be said to be a better actor
than the other. ItÕs mind-boggling. Oh, and I suppose weÕre all supposed to
gasp at the KingÕs offhand sexism when he dismisses his daughter by grumbling
"YouÕre becoming a real woman; you nag and cry all the time.", but
considering how whiny the whole cast is, it sounds like a fair comment.
Anyway, the Frog family moves into a cozy
little house and tries to eke out an existence, the neighbours being either
warily distant or cautiously friendly. Brave Frog goes to school (and becomes a
major jerk in the process, blowing off his responsibilities with his newfound
freedom), and runs afoul of two characters named Lefty and Moe. Although
ostensibly schoolyard bullies, they look like theyÕre in their mid-thirties.
Lefty sounds like Phil Hartman doing his Frank Sinatra impression while drunk,
and carries around a guitar but never plays it. Moe is a fat, squeaky-voiced
guy with a Hawaiian shirt. Their taunting of the tree frog newcomer is a
harbinger of the horrors yet to come, and by that I mean the rest of the movie.
Anyway, the Frog family returns home one
evening to find their home smashed to pieces. The investigating police officer,
a crayfish, mutters something like "Well, evidently thereÕs evidence, but
thereÕs no evidence to evidently indicate who left this evidence." And
walks off muttering to himself. I crap you not. Well, now we know what happened
in the O. J. Simpson trial. But, as a crusty old barracuda rasps, everybody
knows who did the deed; the Frog KingÕs hit man, a lobster named Zari (!!!).
This is my favourite element in the whole movie. First of all, a lobster
wearing a fedora and pinstripes is hilarious enough. Then, thereÕs the fact
that this guy is given free reign to go around offing folks in this purported
kidsÕ flick (seriously; show this to anybody under 15 and itÕs a one-way trip
to freak city). Finally, thereÕs the fact that the animators coloured Zari red,
even though everybody who got out of third grade knows that lobsters are dark
green, and only turn red after theyÕve been cooked in boiling water.
Nevertheless, the message is clear; tree frogs
arenÕt welcome in Rainbow Pond. Really, it seems that anything that isnÕt a
leopard frog (and one lobster) is fair game to be whacked, and quite publicly
as well. Makes me wonder why anybody bothers living there at all. Heck, even
old Mr. Barracuda is threatened when he speaks against the King, but he ducks
under the water, grumbling "Tyrant!" DonÕt barracudas eat frogs? Even
elderly ones? But then, the King is about 5 times bigger than everybody else in
this film, so Mr. Barracuda must be a dwarf. Or maybe the animatorsÕ only
research of pond life was when they were facedown in one after a bender.
But Papa Frog says theyÕre not moving, because
he needs the money and Brave Frog needs schooling. I think the only thing Brave
Frog is gonna learn in that school is the Frog version of Mein Kampf. Really, one could make some
sort of comparison here between the Tree Frogs in Rainbow Pond and the Jewish
people in WWII-era Germany. IÕm not saying a kidsÕ movie COULDNÕT be made with
these themes, but theyÕd need to be way less ham-fisted than this. But still,
something tells me they just did it for a paycheck and nothing more. Talk about
tainted money!
So anyway, life goes on, and Brave Frog
retreats to the lily pads for some quiet time. But itÕs not quiet for long,
because we discover heÕs carved a flute out of reeds. The video box labels this
as "a magic flute", indicating that perhaps itÕs the beauty of this
music that warms the hearts of even the cruel Cosa Nostra of Rainbow Pond, but
thereÕs absolutely nothing magical about it. But itÕs important to the plot,
because A) it is the catalyst that introduces him to Princess Pookie (whiner,
meet whiner) and B) that stupid song he plays on the flute (one song is all he
knows) consists of 90% of the soundtrack.
There is a surrealistic scene where, as Brave
Frog plays his flute, we see PookieÕs silhouette do some really badly drawn
ballet-like moves, and then disappear and appear somewhere else. Naturally, we
assume this is a dream, but then she actually approaches Brave Frog and talks
to him. So, I guess Pookie can teleport from place to place. Whatever. They
have a conversation about the horrors of The System, but since nothing they do
affects the situation in the slightest (and in some cases make it worse), itÕs
just more tedious padding. And the narrator (remember him?) seems to indicate a
romance between the two, but theyÕre both such stilted self-obsessed wussbags I
donÕt see anything coming of this.
Anyway, another indeterminate period of not
much passes, and then Lefty and Moe approach Brave Frog one night and offer him
a chance to prove himself. Eager to impress these two paragons of cool, Brave
Frog willingly accepts. The machiavellian pair take him to a garden, where they
point out a sleeping cat, which I think could seriously contend for the most
shoddily-animated character in the movie, and thatÕs saying something. The animators
were going for some sort of realism, but instead they just made it so 90% of
the cat was a static watercolour painting. Anyway, Brave Frog is told that all
he has to do is pull out one of the catÕs whiskers and bring it back. Oh,
please. Anybody whoÕs ever owned a cat knows that the catÕs whiskers arenÕt
just hairs; theyÕre connected to their nervous systems to detect stuff like
balance, position, and size of confined spaces. Heck, I wouldnÕt try to yank
out a catÕs whisker, and IÕm way bigger than three inches tall.
And yet, we see Brave Frog struggling and
straining as he yanks at the whisker, and itÕs only AFTER he finally pulls it
out that the cat wakes up (most cats would be awake by the first time Brave
Frog so much as TOUCHED the whisker). It seems that our Suicidally IdioticÉ I
mean, Brave Frog is doomed. But then, in a really, really, really, really,
REALLY amazing coincidence, a dog thatÕs just as badly drawn as the cat happens
by, and the two run off, leaving a dazed Brave Frog still clutching the
whisker. But despite thisÉ uhÉ heroic deed, Lefty and Moe deride him, claiming
that the dog
was the one who tore the whisker off. And off they go, cackling into the night.
Brave Frog despairs, and goes off for another flute serenade (that song NEVER
gets old!) and another sob session with Pookie. IÕm sad too. Because I realized
weÕre just now hitting the halfway point.
So then we segue to Lefty and Moe picking on
the Brave Frog again (who really isnÕt coming across as all that brave, if you
ask me), but this time they come across another character, another thread in
this travesty, I mean crapestryÉ uh, tapestry, that is. A massive (and I mean
HUGE) frog named, imaginatively, Goliath. Lefty and Moe get the crap outta
Dodge at the sight of the huge frog, and Brave Frog and Goliath become fast
friends. Goliath says he believes itÕs the duty of the strong to protect the
weak. Brave Frog is utterly enamoured of the strength and nobility of the
ponderous amphibian, and starts dropping hints that heÕd like Goliath as an
"honourary father". Nice kid, eh? I could almost see this if the
kidÕs father was dead, but having him say this when his father is alive and
well doesnÕt exactly imbue us with empathy for our protagonist. Especially
since Brave Frog is more or less just as wimpy as his old man.
Anyway, all this comes to a head when we see
Zari making his rounds, this time preparing to murder an elderly snail for
refusing to be evicted from his shell (?!). Who wrote this crap, anyway? The
snail, by the by, sounds like a 30-year-old woman trying to sound like an
80-year-old man. And not very convincingly, at that. Now, Brave Frog witnesses
this scene, and wouldnÕt you know that Papa Frog happens by. Of course, he hems
and haws about minding his own business and makes a run for it. Oh, the shame
of the father. Then Goliath shows up and beats the snot out of Zari and drives
him away in a very ineptly-realized fight scene. ItÕs pretty obvious who weÕre
supposed to take sides with here, but the whole situation is so ridiculously
contrived (not to mention trying to make this into some deranged version of the
Parable of the Good Samaritan), I ainÕt buying it for a second. Oh, and a minor
note; the grateful snail says, "May the Great Frog in Heaven bless you over
and over." IÕm not even touching that one.
That night, dinnertime is tense at Casa Brave
Frog. Finally our hero mouths off to his father, asking why they arenÕt eating
snail soup, as "if it were up to Dad, thatÕs what weÕd be having!"
Papa Frog does what any sensible parent would do, andÉ no, wait. He does what
any character in this movie would do, and smacks his son over the head,
dithering about responsibility to family and the importance of discretion.
Actually, I find that funny, as the kid is about the only person in Rainbow
Pond Papa Frog could hit without getting his butt handed to him on a silver
tray. Brave Frog flees to go crying to Goliath to make it all better, but
remember; this is The Brave Frog weÕre watching. Sure enough, he finds a
badly-wounded Goliath breathing his last. Zari returned to finish the job
(actually, there are no visible cuts, wounds or bruises on Goliath at all; I
guess Zari also knows the Vulcan Death Grip). So, we get another excruciating
boo-hoo scene as Goliath speaks softly to his young charge "Help the weak,
andÉ" before suddenly keeling over mid-sentence. ItÕd be hilarious, but
any sense of humour in your body is squelched by the dubiously-titled Brave
Frog wailing his grief in the most drawn out way possible. "Goliiii-aaaaaath!
Waaaaaaah!" Plinking piano music stirs (well, staggers) on the soundtrack.
Oh, the pathos. The humanity of it all! But maybe IÕm not the guy to be
subjected to this; I did chortle at the end of Titanic, after all.
And this is supplemented by a scene a few
minutes later when Brave Frog sneaks out of the house at night to bawl some
more at GoliathÕs gravesite (who buried him, exactly? He had no family that we
saw, and I doubt the Frog King has a funeral plan for the subjects he has
executed). His parents find him and try to comfort him, but itÕs little use.
After all, how can a mere mother and father compare to a big guy who beats up
bullies? I mean, really. But I do like Papa FrogÕs brilliant detective work in
this scene. "Gosh, look at that pile of stonesÉ that just might be
GoliathÕs grave!"
So then thereÕs more incessant flute playing,
more of Pookie prancing around and whining to Brave Frog to do something about
this (dude, youÕre a princess. IÕd think youÕre in better position to help than
some poor green trash), and of course, more "Ribbit to the Limit"
poetry.
Finally, as if this movie couldnÕt get any
worse, it crescendos in one of the most insulting sequences IÕve ever seen.
Read this and ask yourself who the heck would write something like this, and
who they thought would be entertained by it. This sequence has gained infamy in
my household as the Mother Turtle Incident.
Yep, Zari, lovable scamp, is now threatening
the life of a friendly, matronly turtle. I forget why, exactly; maybe she wasnÕt
paying tribute to the King Frog or something. I guess it doesnÕt really matter;
nobody has any real motivation for anything in this movie anyway. So, Zari lets
her live, but smashes all of her eggs; we get a nice loving pan of the
destroyed nest, littered with cracked and shattered eggshells. Fun for the
whole family.
Brave Frog and Pookie happen across the weeping
Mother Turtle, and are expectedly horrified and disgusted at the sight.
However, Brave Frog finds a round white thing in some nearby tall grass; must
have been an egg that rolled out of sight! Mother Turtle is delighted, and we
see her staying up late, wondering what to name the child, etc. This is just
plain sadistic on behalf of the writers; we KNOW that this isnÕt going to end
happily, so stop playing these sick mind games and letÕs get on with it. Sure
enough, eventually word spreads of Mother TurtleÕs last egg, and the Frog King
commands Zari to take it to him so he can dine on it. Mother Turtle naturally
objects to this, and so Zari hacks her to death in cold blood. Oh, what a
joyous cartoon this is! ItÕs like the laughter and delight never ends!
Brave Frog and Pookie reach the scene just in
time for Mother Turtle to plead with them to protect her egg before she dies.
Zari makes to steal the egg, but suddenly a big purple (???) serpent bursts out
of the ground; he wants turtle egg for breakfast too, and Zari backs off. My,
this egg is awfully popular. Brave Frog and Pookie grab the egg and flee to a
nearby mole hole or some darn thing like that, which for the purposes of the
plot the snake has trouble getting in himself, despite the fact that he just
tunneled out of the ground. Oh, and I love the animation of the snakeÕs face: a
forked tongue slips between his lips, of course, but even when this tongue is
sticking out, we can see a human-like tongue in the snakeÕs mouth! You know
youÕre in good hands when the animators end up giving a character two separate
tongues in the same frame without noticing it.
But alas, the snake eats the egg. ThatÕs
entertainment! The snake tries to eat the two young frogs, but they kick dirt
in his face, causing him to back off with one of my favourite lines in the
movie: "Ungrateful brats!" Why the frogs were supposed to be grateful
that the snake was trying to eat them is anybodyÕs guess. Just close your eyes
and remind yourself; these people were stoned, these people were stoned.
However, the snake has only slithered a few
feet before it ralphs up the egg again. If this doesnÕt strike you across the
face as an obvious clue, well, youÕre at least on the same mental level as the
animators. Brave Frog and Pookie try to get the egg, but now Lefty and Moe
swipe it and return it to the King. Brave Frog and Pookie follow and plead on
behalf of the egg, but no; the King is determined to eat the unborn child of
one of his dead suspects. He gets Zari to crack the egg, which we are treated
to in slow motion.
But whatÕs this? The egg does not crack! It
just gets dented. So, the King gets a doctor (???) a daffy old whooping crane
or somesuch, to examine the egg. The doctor takes one look at the egg and
starts laughing merrily. Why, this was no egg at all, he reports between his
hysterical guffaws. It was just a ping pong ball! Yes – and they even get
Brave Frog to vocalize this for the benefit of the slow viewers –
Mother Turtle died protecting a ping pong ball.
Do you feel like killing the people responsible
for this now? Good. You can join me. IÕve got an extra paring knife in the
back.
Although I guess this means that Mother Turtle
was pretty idiotic herself, if she couldnÕt even tell the difference between
her own egg and a piece of plastic. ItÕs like a woman who thinks sheÕs pregnant
for four months, then suddenly realizes that sheÕs had a heating pad under her
shirt all this time.
Anyhoo, Brave Frog is now crushed, and so am I
because this bloody thing still isnÕt over. Pookie gives him some protracted
motivational speech (I donÕt really recall this part), and suddenly the Brave
Frog finally feels brave! "I could be the biggest frog in Rainbow
Pond!" he announces, and then we get a 10- minute drug trip sequence. No,
really. The Brave Frog imagines himself swimming through a sea of transparent
square tiles, distorted rainbow patterns, soft-focus bubble effects, etc. I donÕt
know what this has to do with self-esteem, but God forbid this story ends any
earlier than it absolutely has to.
Finally, the reefer madness ends, and the Frog
King steps forward out of nowhere. And he basically admits that heÕs been a
very bad boy, heÕs sorry, and he wonÕt do it again. He hugs his daughter and
they start bawling. No, IÕm not making this up. I guess they semi-sobered up
and realized "Oh crap! The movieÕs over and absolutely nothingÕs been
resolved!", because there is absolutely no reason for the Frog King to
suddenly do a 180 and become a nice guy. And we never see Zari again after
this. WhatÕs he gonna do now when the King isnÕt ordering him to murder half
the kingdom? Basket-weaving?
"Things are sure looking up for Rainbow
Pond!" Brave Frog proclaims, and hops away, merrily la-la-la-ing. Well, he
got over all of the murder, prejudice and atrocity pretty darn quickly. That
acid trip sure worked wonders for him. And we get the final "Ribbit to the
Limit" poem, just to give us a good kick on our way out:
Ribbit, to the limit,
Put your whole heart in it.
Making friends and helping folks,
Having fun and telling jokes.
These are what our lives are for;
ThatÕs it; the end; there ainÕt no more.
That last line is little short of absolute gospel.
Can I hear a hallelujah?
Oh, and then we get the credits. That bloody
flute song plays in the background, and we have stills of Brave Frog and Pookie
merrily dancing with Lefty and Moe. Yeah, whatÕs a little abuse, bigotry and
attempted murder between pals, right? But I have to hand it to the makers of
this film; they are a lot braver than I am. If I had any part in the making of
this abomination, IÕd be listed under a pseudonym, lest somebody track me down
and burn my house to the ground.
Okay. I swear that I didnÕt make any of that
up. Any inaccuracies are the result of failing memories (yÕall know how good I
am at that). There should be meetings where people get together and swap
post-Brave Frog survivor stories. ("Hello, my name is Giordano, and I watched
the Brave Frog.")
Now, some of you might be tempted to actually
watch this piece of crap, just to see for yourself how bad it truly is. You can
often find a copy for cheap on one of those online swap & shops, if thatÕs
your style (people are very willing to ditch their copy as soon as possible).
ThatÕs probably the best way to do it. I think that if you go to video stores
asking for a copy of this movie, they put your name on some sort of government
list. But if you do get a copy and decide to watch, do NOT watch it alone. You
will lose your will to live by the first hour; I guarantee it. Instead, watch
it with a bunch of good friends, preferably under the influence of caffeine and
simple sugars. You will laugh yourselves sick. ThereÕs enough material in this
movie for a whole season of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It will bond you in
ways youÕve never bonded before. Who knows? It might even lead to marriage. But
if you do get married as a result of a Brave Frog party, you might not want to
mention that in your toast.
Anyway, to close, IÕll paraphrase a much more
entertaining frog: itÕs not easy being green, but itÕs a heck of a lot easier
than watching this movie.
MY 5 FAVOURITE MOVIES YOUÕVE NEVER SEEN
Yes indeed! HereÕs a quick little article for
you to amuse yourselves with.
IÕve seen plenty of movies in my day, and IÕve
compiled a list of my 5 favourite movies that few people have heard of and even
fewer people have seen. These arenÕt my all-time favourite movies, of course,
but listing my favourite movies that are well-known would
take up way too much room. So, IÕll settle for these movies that got relatively
low theatre play and video hype, that you may be hearing about for the first
time. Of course, if youÕre a fan of these movies yourself, go you!
So, here are some obscure gems for you to check
out next time you go to the video store (or DVD store, if thatÕs the way you
swing):
5) HAUNTED HONEYMOON
Okay. I know this movie is crap. But it's fun
crap. Gene Wilder stars as Larry, a rich young socialite in the 19th century
who must dodge assassination attempts from both his arrogant cousin and a
mysterious werewolf. Would you like this movie? Let me give you a test. Does
the idea of Dom DeLuise in drag as "Aunt Rita" make you grin? Or how
about Larry and his butler Fester trying to throw off murder suspicions by
having a party, with Larry dancing with the corpse of a 200-pound woman, as
Fester plays the accordion and moves a corpse so it appears to be drinking from
a flask? Does that sound dumb? Then don't watch it. You'll hate it. The rest of
us wil lhave a good laugh.
4) THE LEGEND OF 1900
Normally, I despise independent film, but
wowÉ this piece is incredible. It tells the story of a man who was born and
orphaned on an ocean liner (he is named Ō1900Ķ, because that is the year he was
born), and makes his living with his superb piano playing. We see him blow away
Ōthe man who invented jazzĶ in a piano duel, ride the piano across the ballroom
during a stormy, wave-tossed night, and entrance a cynical trumpet player (our
narrator) with his natural warmth and goodness.
But itÕs a very sad storyÉ 1900 falls in
love with a girl literally at first sight (and improvises a song that expresses
his feelings without even missing a beat), but cannot bring himself to pursue
her because he has never stepped foot off the ship in his life. He later
explains to his friend that he is afraid of all the choices out in the world,
so bound he is to the ship. "When I sit at the piano," he explains,
"there are 88 keys. I know each key by heart and know exactly what each
can do. But off this boat there are thousands and thousands of keys, all
unfamiliar to me. That's God's keyboard, not mine."
Sadly, 1900's dependence on his ship
leads to his death, as he refuses to leave it even when, after World War II, it
is scheduled to be destroyed. Instead he hides in the belowdecks and plays his
final song - he doesn't even need a piano, as he can hear each note perfectly
in his head. He plays the final note just before the ship explodes, ending his
career forever. The trumpet player is crushed, and so are we. So are we.
3) JUST VISITING
Yes, this movie is French. What's it to
you? This is a remake of the French comedy Les Visiteurs, with Jean Reno and
Christian Clavier reprising their roles as a medieval knight and his page who
attempt to magically travel back in time to keep themselves from
accidentally killing the Princess (long story), but travel instead to modern times.
Chaos ensues.
You know, they do stuff like kill a
Corvette with their swords, roast a chicken over a fireplace on an umbrella,
empty a massive bottle of perfume into a Jacuzzi so they can bathe
fully-clothed ("That bath you just took cost $2000!" "I will
repay you. You may have one of my swine."), and mix magic potions in a
Cuisinart. It's dumb fun - that scene where the page eats a urinal soap cake
would be disgusting if it weren't so hilarious. ("It smells like ze
forest! Zis magical waterfall is like nothing I have seen before!")
2) THE IMPOSTORS
Oh, yeah baby! When you get Oliver Platt
and Stanley Tucci in the same movie, it's gotta be good! Unless the movie is
Beethoven, of course, but that's beside the point. These two star as
Maurice and Arthur, two down-on-their-luck actors in the 1920s who are out of
work and out of money, and rely on their acting skills to con their way into
free meals. After catching a performance by Shakespearian hack Johnny Burtom
and publicly insulting him, they end up fleeing for their lives and end up on a
cruise ship. Uh oh! Burtom's on the ship too! And so are a beautiful and
sympathetic co-ordinator, a nervous security officer, a Nazi steward, a
downright terrifying Scottish tennis star, a suicidal entertainer (ironically
named Happy Franks), a weird shiek, a first mate who is really a mad bomber,
and even more. Lots of screwball comedy, nutty dialogue and excellent music.
Definitely not for the little kids (especially Billy Connelly's character), but
one heck of a hilarious movie! Best scene: the bakery shop scam early in the
film where a con ends up going wrong, and the baker ends up angry at the wrong
guy (I can't explain it - you'll have to see it yourself). Oh, and Woody Allen
makes a cameo. Score!
1) THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY
Oh yeah. The story of an African Bushman
who goes on a quest to destroy an evil thing (a Coke bottle) that was dropped
in his village by the gods (an airplane). On his travels he encounters a
schoolteacher from America and her bumbling escort and his broken-down jeep, as
well as a group of militant terrorists. The dubbing is hideous, the film looks
like it was shot on 33mm, the stunts are all very real (that one terrorist who
falls off the jeep looks like he was sore for a while) and the music sounds
like outtakes from the Muppet Movie (especially when they use Benny
Hill-like fast motion), but it's still loads of fun. One of the most
hilarious movies I've ever seen in my whole life. That jeep (nicknamed
"the AntiChrist") could have its own movie! A riot from beginning to
end. Plus, the Bushmen in the movie are all real, and they'd never seen
"civilized men" before. That's really cool. N!Xau, the main
character, did a good acting job for a guy who didn't really understand what
was going on most of the time. Oh, and they also have lots of that Bushman
clicking language.
Well, there you have it.
Just be glad I didn't list the WORST movies I've ever seen. We'd be here all
night!
TOP TEN REASONS WHY REVENGE OF THE SITH
ROCKS
Okay. At long last the sixth and final Star
Wars film is complete. And compared to the ho-hum Phantom Menace and the
shambles that was Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith is the bomb! Wanna
know why? Let an old fan give his two cents.
WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS
10) HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN GETS THE "MOST
IMPROVED" AWARD
Okay, he wasn't perfect, I'll grant you. But
considering the train wreck Anakin's role was in the first two prequels, this
was a much-needed improvement. Anakin's still a bit rusty in the early scenes,
but as he descends into darkness, he finally comes into his own. I don't think
Hayden deserved all the flak he got for his performance in Episode II (some,
but not all), but by the end I was surprised to find myself liking him. For me,
that's a big thing.
9) GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!
Forget the political debates, the awkward
romantic dialogue, the wacky comic relief characters that plagued the first two
prequels. Sure, aspects of them are still there, but they're mere blips in the
background with the remarkable galactic drama in the foreground. The opening
scene crescendoes immediately into an insane space battle, and doesn't let up
with all the sneaking around, firefights, saber duels and close shaves we've
come to love. THIS is Star Wars. The stilted posturing of Episode I and the
excruciating puns of Episode II are pushed out of the picture - less talk, more
action. And best of all, the special effects are now backup for the main action
rather than BEING the main action. When Anakin and Obi-Wan are duelling on a
catwalk over a roiling sea of molten lava, the last thing we're thinking about
is green screens and digital compositing. We feel like we're physically there.
And congrats on finally giving the prequels a CGI character that is lovable and
personable - Boga, the whooping dragon. His role as Obi-Wan's loyal mount is
relatively brief, but he has way more personality than half the cast of the
prequels put together. And finally, the lightsaber duels MEAN something again.
The duels in the original trilogy were all intensely personal, but since the
prequels have hundreds and hundreds of Jedi, all that duelling wore very thin.
Anakin vs. Obi-Wan gives us that personal edge again, and even though we know
the outcome of the battle we're still riveted.
8) HOW IT RESONATES
Bridging the gap between the old trilogy and
the new one must have been exhausting, but for the most part it's done
extremely well. We now see how the Republic became the evil Empire, how an
innocent boy became a mechanical tyrant, and how the other characters got where
they were when we see them in the original movies. We now know how Yoda went
from a powerful, respected Jedi Master to a slightly loopy but still wise and
powerful hermit, and his sadness is very real indeed. ("Into exile I must
go. Failed, I have.") Obi-Wan clearly has scars of his own as sees his
friends and teachers slaughtered, is forced to dismember Anakin, and is present
as Padme's life ends and Luke and Leia's begin. I contend that Ewan MacGregor
is the best actor in the prequels, bar none. Some of his dialogue at the climax
would have swamped lesser actors, but he genuinely makes you feel Obi-Wan's
pain, torment and sadness. Those of you who have seen the movie know which
lines I'm talking about. Anakin's fall and the death of the Jedi were related
to us second-hand in the originals... in this movie we see them, and they
actually HURT. There's a lot of stuff in the original trilogy involving Luke,
Leia, Vader, Yoda, Obi- Wan and Palpatine that just means so much more now with
our new perspectives, rather than being cheaper, as an inept Episode III would
have made them. And of course, there's all the little stuff, like the droids
ending up back on the still-shiny Tantive IV with the ill-fated Capt. Antilles,
and a young Grand Moff Tarkin (okay, Governor Tarkin) overseeing the
construction of the Death Star with Palpatine and Vader, that just add one more
thrill. I know I enjoyed it.
7) WOOKIEES, WOOKIEES, WOOKIEES!
It took 22 years, but the army of Wookiee warriors
originally planned for Return of the Jedi (until they got bumped out by Ewoks)
finally shows up. The Wooks are back and rocking the joint! One Wookiee in
battle is impressive enough, but a whole army of them roaring is enought to get
the old blood pumping. And of course, one of these Wookiees is the one and only
Chewbacca, a nice little cameo that I immensely enjoyed. The little fanboy
inside me was doing cartwheels when Chewie slings Yoda over his shoulder and
gives him a piggyback
Simple
article this time. I list 100 of my favourite songs. It doesn't get much more
complicated than that.
To
make it so I even had a prayer of compiling this list, I omitted instrumentals,
classical compositions, songs created for movie, musical and video game
soundtracks, traditional songs, hymns, jingles and other stuff you wouldn't
find on most CDs. I guess this means the list is of my top 100 POPULAR songs,
and since my memory is colossally bad, I'm sure I left out even a couple of
those. Nonetheless, here's the list, in alphabetical order. If you have the
same tastes in music as I do, shaaaaaaaaaaaaame on you.
"A
Good Heart" by Feargal Sharkey
"Ain't
Too Proud to Beg" by the Temptations
"All
I Want" by the Offspring
"American
Rock 'n Roll" by the Righteous Brothers
"Another
One Bites the Dust" by Queen
"Back
In Black" by AC/DC
"Beat
It" by Michael Jackson
"Billie
Jean" by Michael Jackson
"Black
or White" by Michael Jackson
"Bohemian
Rhapsody" by Queen
"California
Dreamin'" by whoever
"Cheater"
by Michael Jackson
"Crocodile
Rock" by Elton John
"Dancing
in the Streets" by David Bowie & Mick Jagger
"Dr.
Feelgood" by Motley Crue
"Don't
Stop 'Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson
"Dude
Looks Like a Lady" by Aerosmith
"Eye
of the Tiger" by Survivor
"Falling
For the First Time" by the Barenaked Ladies
"Fire
and Rain" by James Taylor
"For
Those About to Rock" by AC/DC
"Get
in Line" by the Barenaked Ladies
"Get
Ready For This" by 2 Unlimited
"Ghost
Riders in the Sky" by Johnny Cash
"Ghostbusters"
by Ray Parker Jr.
"Gimme
Some Lovin'" by the Spenser Davis Group
"Good
Vibrations" by the Beach Boys
"Hey
Jude" by the Beatles
"Hooked
on a Feeling" by Blue Swede
"House
of the Rising Sun" by Led Zeppelin
"Hungry
Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran
"I
Believe in a Thing Called Love" by the Darkness
"I
Can't Get No Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones
"I
Can't Stop Loving You" by Phil Collins
"I
Heard it Through the Grapevine" by the Temptations
"I
Just Died in Your Arms Tonight" by the Cutting Crew
"I
Put a Spell on You" by Screamin' Jay Hawkins
"I
Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones
"I
Would Do Anything For Love" by Meat Loaf
"I'll
Be There" by the Jackson 5
"I'm
a Believer" by whoever
"I'm
Gonna Be 500 Miles" by the Proclaimers
"I'm
Into Something Good" by Herman's Hermits
"In
the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins
"It's
the End of the World as We Know It" by REM
"Jump"
by Van Halen
"Let
it Be" by the Beatles
"Lightning
Strikes" by Lou Christie
"Live
and Let Die" by Paul McCartney & the Wings
"Living
on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi
"Love
Shack" by the B-52s
"Lovers
in a Dangerous Time" by the Barenaked Ladies
"Man
in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson
"Maybe
Katie" by the Barenaked Ladies
"Million
Miles Away" by the Offspring
"Mony
Mony" by Billy Idol
"Mr.
Roboto" by Styx
"Mr.
Tambourine Man" by the Byrds
"Old
Time Rock 'n Roll" by Bob Segar
"One
Week" by the Barenaked Ladies
"Peggy
Sue" by Buddy Holly
"Pretty
Fly for a White Guy" by the Offspring
"Raise
Your Hands" by Bon Jovi
"Rasputin"
by Boney M
"Rocket
Man" by Elton John
"Runaway"
by Bon Jovi
"Safety
Dance" by Men Without Hats
"Smooth
Criminal" by Michael Jackson
"Somebody
Told Me" by the Killers
"Somebody's
Watching Me" by Rockwell
"Space
Oddity" by David Bowie
"Spaceship
Superstar" by Prism
"State
of Shock" by Mick Jagger & Michael Jackson
"Summer
of '69" by Bryan Adams
"Surfin'
Bird" by the Trashmen
"Takin'
Care of Business" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive
"The
Boys in the Bright White Sports Car" by Trooper
"The
Little Old Lady from Pasadena" by Jan & Dean
"Thunderstruck"
by AC/DC
"Time
is on My Side" by the Rolling Stones
"Total
Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler
"U
Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer
"Unchained
Melody" by the Righteous Brothers
"Under
Pressure" by David Bowie & Freddie Mercury
"Upside
Down" by the Barenaked Ladies
"Wanna
Be Startin' Somethin'" by Michael Jackson
"We
are the Champions" by Queen
"We
Built This City on Rock and Roll" by Starship Jefferson
"We
Will Rock You" by Queen
"Welcome
to the Jungle" by Guns 'n Roses
"What
is Love?" by Haddaway
"When
Doves Cry" by Prince
"When
the Morning Comes" by Smash Mouth
"White
Wedding" by Billy Idol
"Windy"
by the Association
"Yesterday"
by the Beatles
"You
Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive
"You
Give Love a Bad Name" by Bon Jovi
"You
Spin Me Around" by Dead or Alive
"You've
Lost that Lovin' Feeling" by the Righteous Brothers